You know, once in a blue moon, I try to moonlight as a film critic. You’d think it would be a glamorous life filled with fast women, easy money and me shooting dice around the back alleys of Brooklyn as I try to make money. Well, you’d be wrong–except for the dice shooting part, but I digress.

Film critics are some of the most annoying people on the face of the planet. They’re smarmy, stuck-up, opinionated, annoying, bitchy, overly emotional and downright sickening creatures that plague the world we know. They also happen to be one of the few professions that have to overtly analyze and comprehend what is happening around our culture, our time and understand how this shapes a community’s identity.

So taking that Janus nature into account, it’s pleasing to me that Armond White is the 2009 chair for the New York Film Critics Circle. The group is comprised of New York critics who come together every year and vote on what’s been the best so far. Rounding out this year as Chairwoman is Entertainment Weekly’s Lisa Schwarzbaum, who’ll preside over the vote on December 12.

The Reporter describes White as “well respected in the New York film community for his thoughtful, passionate writing and criticized for what some have described as reflexively contrarian reviews, often citing other critics while defending unpopular films.” Which is very true, he is an original voice–and also has some unique opinions, as shown during a sit-down with THND contributor Steven Boone at Big Media Vandalism in three parts: 1, 2, 3.

They just forget to mention he’s the epitome of a firebrand. White is an extremely gifted writer and fascinating to read. Unfortunately, he can’t write a review without trashing another film in comparison, exemplified in his 2006 “Better Than List.”

He’s also highly critical of online writing about film, such as in the article that epitomizes his style: “What We Talk About When We Don’t Talk About Movies.” His lede graf is the most damning of all, “In print and online, it’s never been worse—especially on the Internet where film buffs emulating the Vachel Lindsay-Manny Farber tradition are no longer isolated nerds but an opinionated throng, united in their sarcasm and intense pretense at intellectualizing what is basically a hobby.”

White was routinely bashed by Glenn Kenny (then of Premiere, now of self-blog Some Came Running): “That’s a great start, given that only a person who has read either Farber, or Lindsay, but by no means both, could possibly conceive of yoking the two together in this way.” Even Cineaste asks, what is film criticism becoming without managing to come across as a smug know-it-all.

The frightening thing can be found in how White is correct in a way. His criticism of “critics” comes when the Internet is filled with people and groups who don’t have a “proper background,” which means–well, I’ve got no fucking idea, to be honest. Any decent pseudo-critic makes an effort to watch all film, regardless of personal taste. You don’t need to be a “Paulette” to review a movie, although it certainly helps getting paid by print publications, which are now running low on the very budgets that were once used to give new writers a chance rather than keep aging dinosaurs.

There’s even an anonymous blog–since discontinued since it’s rumored White found out who ran it and wasn’t pleased–called Armond Dangerous devoted to picking apart White’s tone and style. An excerpt from Zodiac:

It’s probably fair to say that once you’ve landed on Armond White’s shitlist, it’s going to take a solid effort on your part to be removed. This has happened in the past — Oliver Stone and Todd Solondz come to mind — but on too many occasions Armond just can’t get over the past indiscretions of certain auteurs. David Fincher’s Zodiac provides a perfect case, not because it’s a sudden masterpiece by an overrated director (AW says he’s been wrongly “lionized” even though The Game and Panic Room were deservingly rejected by audiences and critics alike), but because Fincher’s doing something different in his latest film and Armond just can’t see it. Is the something new successful? Hell, no.

Then again, White can sometimes be a bit of a prick–such as during the NYFCC’s debate about screeners in 2000, where he loudly and rather succinctly called Lisa Schwarzbaum a “cunt.” Then again, the same guy once said:

One of the interesting things in writing about the movies is that it’s a popular art form. You always have to contend with the popular response, the immediate response, and not necessarily a thoughtful response! That’s exciting, though. There’s a lot of energy and spontaneity in that. The downside is that sometimes there is no thought in that response. That’s what a critic can be good for: making the difference simply by having the propensity to reflect rather than simply respond.

Thankfully, I’m just one of those crazy “Internet” writers who can’t tell a Pauline Kael from a Jonathan Rosenbaum. Regardless, and despite so many people calling for White’s head, I wish him the best and am mildly interested in seeing how he handles the 2009 calendar.

Ed Brubaker’s Sleeper will be adapted for the movies. If you don’t know who Holden Carver is, we suggest you brush up on your comic book knowledge.

Sleeper is one of the darker more paranoid titles Brubaker’s worked on. Sure, Batman is pretty depressing at times but at least Bruce Wayne has money and power and is well liked. Holden Carver is kind of a sponge for pain and suffering. Well … not “kind of” … he is.

This from The Hollywood Reporter:

Rookie scribe Brad Inglesby has been hired to adapt the DC Comics/Wildstorm graphic novel “Sleeper,” which Warner Bros. picked up in August.

Tom Cruise, though not formally attached, reportedly has shown interest in the material.

Sam Raimi and Josh Donen are producing through their Stars Road Entertainment company. Gregory Noveck will oversee for DC, and Matt Reilly and Matt Milam will oversee for Warner Bros.

Written by Ed Brubaker with art by Sean Phillips, “Sleeper” is a high-tech noir series published from 2003-05 that puts superheroes in a stylish, hard-boiled crime saga not unlike “The Departed.” The protagonist, Holden Carver, is a spy stranded in a criminal organization but in possession of a superhuman imperviousness to pain derived from an alien artifact.

Don’t get us wrong. We like Tom Cruise well enough. He’s a two-note actor. Good at what he can do — but at this point, he’s getting a little too old (not to mention weird and parental) to be playing characters like Carver. To us it’s like someone trying to cast Oprah as one of the X-men.

Storm never hoarded chocolate-chip cookies.

Raffaello Follieri seems like he’s kind of a scumbag, but his lawyer says he is to be pitied. According to Follieri’s sentencing memo (now online at TMZ), Richard Ortoli stated that his client was in fact the victim, having succumbed to the razzle dazzle of his actress girlfriend’s lifestyle.

Ortoli wrote:

When he was only 24 years old, this young man from a small city in the South of Italy found himself a successful international entrepreneur befriended by the rich and famous. In a brief period of time he was socializing with some of the wealthiest and most successful people in the world. He was surrounded by movie stars and celebrities and this young man who neither drinks nor smokes became intoxicated with it all. Unfortunately, he lacked the resources to maintain the opulent life style of his new friends. Even more unfortunately, he had almost unfettered access to hundreds of thousands of dollars with few controls on his spending ability, until it was too late. Soon he cuccumbed to the temptation.

As a result of his conduct, he has lost his business, his freedom, his reputation.

Check out the full document at TMZ, HERE.

We’ve got some behind-the-scenes video featuring Dame Judi Dench, and you’ve gotta admit, after 74 years on this Earth, the dame still looks good.

Frosty at Collider is totally spoiling people with reports on the supposed “blind” screening of Watchmen in Portland tomorrow. Not so blind anymore, is it? Does anyone from Oregon actually read the B&U?

According to Frosty:

While all the test screenings I’ve been to use passes to get in, supposedly the screening has no passes and they’ll just be recruiting people at the theater that night. So if you decide to go, it’s probably a good idea to play dumb.

As I said, they’re actively looking for a crowd who doesn’t know anything about the comic book or, even, comic books in general. Just show up and look around for someone connected to the screening. Who knows, maybe that day they’ll have passes. You’ll probably be given the first degree and it’s up to you to convince them that you’re an average American who saw “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” last weekend.

However, let’s be honest, after this article gets posted and around the net, there is a good chance the screening could be moved to a new location or another time. I’ll of course update this story if I hear anything, but this is the only way I know how to get the word out…

Why did we blog this and thus ruin plans for a non-biased test screening? Because we serve the fans, my friends, not the studios. Of course we want Watchmen to do well. First and foremost we want it to be released! But ultimately we believe that nerds have few outlets for their fervor and we want to provide as many forums for that as possible, even if it means throwing a wrench into some dumb-ass market research schemes.

We also talk bullshit.

Rumors have finally been confirmed that Forest Whitaker will direct and star in What a Wonderful World, the upcoming Louis Armstrong biopic. Principal photography is set to begin next summer in New Orleans.

From Paste Magazine:

Wonderful World will be Whitaker’s first directorial effort since the 2004’s First Daughter (the presidential-child themed movie with Katie Holmes, not the one with Mandy Moore). Whitaker’s other directing efforts include Hope Floats and Waiting to Exhale, virtually guaranteeing that whatever the outcome, What a Wonderful World will be his best-helmed film so far.

Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong died in 1971, suffering a heart attack after playing a show. He had this particularly heartfelt and candid comment to say shortly before his death: “I think I had a beautiful life. I didn’t wish for anything that I couldn’t get and I got pretty near everything I wanted because I worked for it.”

Next up in biopics and black stars … Marvin Gaye and Jesse L. Martin!

The scenesters started to worry a little when M.I.A. actually went missing from the scene. Then she started telling mags that she was thinking of taking a break from music and maybe making some arty films, messing around with cameras and such.

Turns out, M.I.A. has been procreating with Ben Brewer, her fiance/lead singer of the band Exit.

M.I.A. told Pitchfork:

When I found out I was pregnant and ‘Paper Planes’ was in the iTunes top 10… it seemed like the whole world was reshuffled in one week, and all my plans went out the window.

Here’s the singer performing while preggars at the NYC Diesel xXx party on Saturday: