The Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull press package has finally been distributed! Get ready for a steady stream of promotional shots, though none of them show anything we haven’t known about before.

UPDATE: Yes, it is weird of us to debate skull mythology rather than show you all the pictures. Luckily, you have Coming Soon for that.

One of the curious additions was a very detailed history of The Crystal Skulls. 13 Skulls? Two of them have names? Continued tests? Atlantis? The crazy backstory begins here and continues below the jump…

n 1924, the famed British banker-turned-adventurer F.A. Mitchell-Hedges led an expedition deep into the Central American jungles of British Honduras (now Belize). His mission: to find evidence of the lost continent of Atlantis. But it was Mitchell-Hedges’ adopted daughter, Anna, who made a find for which this quest was to become famous. On Anna’s 17th birthday, as Mitchell-Hedges and his crew were excavating the ancient ruins of a Mayan temple at Lubaantun, Anna spied an object glinting in the soil under a collapsed altar: a beautiful sculpted human skull carved with uncanny craftsmanship out of a single block of translucent quartz crystal.

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This just in: Seth MacFarlane, the creator of Family Guy and American Dad is now one of the most powerful men in television…writing. Probably producing to, but the “most powerful” men in TV still wear suits, sit behind desks and do very little for what’s on screen (we’re looking at you Silverman!).

The new deal Seth inked with 20th Century Fox makes the man, at least, the highest paid television writer/producer currently working.

Details after the jump!

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“Guns, tits, ass, no acting!”

—Sienna Miller describing to a fan her new film, the live-action G.I. Joe, Paramount’s big summer movie for 2009

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The B&U Uber-tipster Tripp pointed us int eh direction of Disney’s newest docu-venture, a film banner that will cover only documentaries about nature.

Yes, high guys who watch Planet Earth, this is good news.

From the press release:

Among the first films to be released domestically under the new label will be Earth, from award-winning British producer/director Alastair Fothergill, whose credits include the landmark Planet Earth series for the BBC and The Discovery Channel and The Blue Planet. Earth, which is produced by BBC Worldwide and Greenlight Media and co-directed by Mark Linfield, will take us on a tour of our home planet as we’ve never seen it before. It will be narrated by renowned actor James Earl Jones and will premiere theatrically on Earth Day, April 22, 2009. The film will also be released under the Disneynature banner in Latin America.

“We love balancing heritage and innovation and Disneynature is a perfect example of this. We are placing the legacy of Disney’s ‘True-Life Adventures’ in the hands of great modern filmmakers using dazzling technology,” said Robert A. Iger, president and CEO, The Walt Disney Company. “Disneynature is a concept we look forward to building across the company and across the globe for years to come. And, we hope these films will contribute to a greater understanding and appreciation of the beauty and fragility of our natural world.”

There is a possibility this is all just a bunch of Earth Day sunshine blown up your ass, but there is the slim possibility that we could see some very well done, and dare we say life-changing docs from this banner.

“Life-changing, Dave? Really?”

Hey, we’re living in a global climate crisis during Green Week, barring a zombie apocalypse, nature docs are important, or so says our staff that liked An Inconvenient Truth.

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Artie Lang (of Beerfest, which you were drunk or high while watching), had a small breakdown on Howard Stern yesterday.

We take in a lot of media, but we haven’t listened to Howard Stern daily for several years. We’re kind of sad we missed yesterday’s broadcast, because it was awkward to listen to Artie Lang insult his assistant Ted, disclose his salary and eventually peak with a physical confrontation in the studio.

It’s about 30 minutes of really intense audio. And it’s up online. Part one is the setup, part two is the fight and part three involves Artie Lang resigning and Howard accepting.

Artie Lang looks like a major asshole right now, but damn that’s good radio.

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Jay Leno, the highest paid scab in all of Hollywood, decided to whip a snake out on Jodie Foster last night when he heard that she was afraid of snakes.

In other news, please shoot us in the head, or – even better – shoot a celebrity so we have something to tell you about.

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Robin Williams and Marsha Garces Williams, his wife of 19 years, filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences.” Williams met Marsha while she was a nanny for Robin and his first wife.

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The Mark David Chapman, John-Lennon-killing, Jared Leto passion Project “Chapter 27” has finally got a poster and it is gag inducing.

Jared Leto gained 60 pounds for the role, something he claims almost did “irreparable” damage to his body. He said this as pretentiously as possible:

I almost wish that I had made a film about the making of the film, because it was definitely a super-sized version of “Super Size Me.” It was doctors telling me I needed to stop, that I was going to kill myself, my cholesterol shooting up to 300-something points — which is bad. They wanted to put me on Lipitor and all kinds of medication. … Food is the strongest medication we take every day. What I was doing was poisoning myself with some really severe methods. It was a fascinating, but devastating, experience.

What we know about the film boils down to it’s about the dude who killed John Lennon from what might be a sympathetic point of view, and Lindsay Lohan is in it.

And this poster makes us want to gag.

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It’s not our fault if the Brits chose today to put all their interesting news online.

Let’s re-cap:

-Heather Mills Reaches Yoko Status In “Worst Thing To Happen To The Beatles” Competition.

-Warners Assumes American Audiences Don’t Care About The Creative Minds Behind Their Entertainment

And now:

-This Side Of The Truth Launches Hilarious Official Blog

This side of the truth is a Ricky Gervais (The original Office) film about the first man to discover lying in a fictional world where everyone tells the truth.

More about Gervais’ official blog, a hint about his next film with Steven Merchant, the Boston production office and Nerf Guns after the jump.

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Geri Halliwell has performed her newest miracle after her most popular miracles – such as fitting into a tight Union Jack dress and singing “Wannabe” – have lost some of their luster after all these years.

She’s old enough to reach the Jesus phase, and if we hope really hard, we might even get to crucify her. Or at least burn her as a witch.

Why? Let’s ask Jessica Knight about why.

School girl Jessica Knight emerged from a coma after hearing Spice Girl Geri Halliwell singing.

The 14-year-old was stabbed in Chorley and had been left fighting for her life after suffering a stroke in hospital.

However, a visit from Halliwell prompted a sudden recovery in Knight’s health.

Mum Jill Walmsley told The Mirror: “Geri sang a couple of lines of one of their songs and Jessica started moving her arms and legs.

“It was amazing. We were all in fits of giggles because we were so relieved and it was just so funny seeing her legs move to Geri’s singing. The next day, she opened her eyes for the first time.

“You just don’t expect to be sitting in the hospital and for Geri Halliwell to walk in. She gave me a big hug and said that Jessica’s story had really touched her.”

A family member had contacted Halliwell because Knight was due to attend a Spice Girls concert in Manchester, but missed it because of the attack.

Walmsley added: “It’s just such a shame Jessica can’t remember anything about it - when I told her Geri had been to visit her, she looked stunned and said, ‘No way!’

“Luckily, Geri left her a wristband from the Spice Girls concert as proof!”

Yes. Geri Halliwell sung a 14-year-old stabbing victim out of a coma. You read that right, and we aren’t bullshitting you.

We hope this ushers in a whole new ear of expecting real miracles from our celebrities.

Let us pray.

“Britney, please bless this Frappuccino we are about to imbibe as well as those migrant workers and college dropouts who toiled so hard to make it’s frothy goodness…”

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From this weekend’s comments:

tolerability matrix? a combination of ny mag’s approval matrix and its illegitimate child, the onion’s tolerability index. you are nothing but a bastard’s bastard. but it looks nice!

Yes, it is a bastard child of both, just like we are the intelligent bastard children of What Would Tyler Durden Do raping Defamer.

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In yet another borderline douche move, Michael Bay has announced that he has finished the script to Transformers 2, something he had to have been working on during the writer’s strike.

To be fair, he says he is going to hand the script over to some real writers.

Bay used the awesome power of Rotten Tomatoes to break the story:

“I’ve been writing Transformers 2,” said Bay. “We’ve got our characters all designed. I always write all my scripts, my movies anyway so at least I’ve got something to give the writers. It’s like a template. We have a really good outline so I worked on that.” It might be a tad unorthodox, but Bay has high pressure demands. “We had to because I want to make my date. I’m not going to let the strike take me down.”

Good thing the strike seems to have ended well, ‘cause otherwise we’d be even further in favor of crucifying Michael Bay (metaphorically).

But, dangnabbit, we are in favor of more giant fighting robots, which the sequel promises to have much more of, though they won’t be Dinobots.

Guess the Dinobots are being saved for the trilogy capper.

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It’s been a long time without new television here in Americaland, but that hasn’t stopped execs from gearing up for pilot seasons to come. Some Canadian TV shows got their shot to be looked at by the networks, but now it’s time for the Brits to have their sweet television material mined.

Reports AP:

NBC and ABC are vying to adapt the BBC reality series “Who Do You Think You Are?” in which celebrities explore their genealogy. NBC is Americanizing the BBC’s unscripted car-culture series, “Top Gear,” as well as the reality show “The Baby Borrowers,” where kids find out what it’s like to be parents.

David E. Kelley is making a pilot for ABC based on the hit British series “Life on Mars,” about a politically incorrect cop and the time-traveler who has to work with him.

One one hand, NBC making a run for more unscripted programming while continuing to insinuate that Friday Night Lights is taking a dive is really pissing us off.

On the other hand, seeing Top Gear take shape for America might not be so bad as that show generally rocks.

Listen up, Silverman! Keep FNL and ditch Bionic Woman for Top Gear.

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It was unusual to actually care about a fourth quarter of a Superbowl, usually after the half, we’re paying more attention to the commercial breaks than we are to the game.

But, Giants defeated the Patriots who were undefeated by using an awesome pass from Manning to…

Oh, hey! Trailers!

According to USA Today’s Superbowl Ad meter, we’ve arranged the previews that aired during the big game.

WALL – E

We Say: There is nothing about this movie that isn’t cute, which makes us want to hurt something. But, it’s so cute that it leaks in the invisible cracks in our hardened male exterior. It also plays to our love of robots. WALL-E Is going to be huge.

Leatherheads

We Say: We want a longer trailer! That and we must really be jonesing for The Office because the John Krasinski sighting was worth rushing back to the television and opening our beer when a lesser ad was on.

Wanted

Universal Pictures Wanted Movie Super Bowl Ad
We Say: Pregnant with twins or not, all we need was that five second shot of Angelina Jolie flinching as a curving bullet whizzes by her head to remember why this girl opens action films. Remember when she was all insane and used to fuck Billy Bob? That’s what we’re hoping for, attitude wise. We’re mor interested in her mighty breasts than her Mighty Heart.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

We Say: Lots of flashes of cool CGI do not necessarily sell us on this flick. We still think it was a fluke that the first Narnia made any money, but I guess if you cater to Christians and fantasy fans, you corner two important markets (unlike The Golden Compass, which just managed to piss both groups off).

Some Adam Sandler Movie

We Say: Judd Apatow’s involvement does not excuse another crappy Adam Sandler character in a flat-line comedy.

Iron Man

We Say: How did Iron Man end up at the bottom of the ad ratings? We thought this trailer was frickin’ awesome right down to the ultra-cool arm missile blowing up a tank. Was it just too short for new audiences who missed the original trailer?

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