We’re pretty sure you can’t sue Oprah. Not in a meaningful way, anyway. The only sort fo lawsuit that might have an effect of Oprah’s empire would be some sort of corporation busting litigation a la the government breaking up Microsoft or AT&T (note all caps, because at&t holds strong).

But that’s not going to stop people from suing whomever they see the most, and lots of folks see Oprah as the pinnacle of daytime talkshow television, so why not try our hand at the great American gamble: suing rich people for what they see as money they can stand to lose.

First up is Darlene Tracy, who claims that she pitched a show called “The Philanthropist” to Oprah’s Harpo Productions in 2005. The show was apparently eerily similar to Harpo’s new “Oprah’s Big Give.”

This is the second time Tracey has tried to block Big Give. Last time, a judge shot her down, so the Oprah camp isn’t taking attempt number two horribly seriously.

The Chicago Sun-Times has the facts on lawsuit number two:

An “Oprah Winfrey Show” audience member is suing Harpo Studios Wednesday after some overzealous guests allegedly caused her to fall down a flight of stairs.

On Dec. 5, 2006, Orit Greenberg went to Harpo Studios to be an audience member for the Oprah show, according to a lawsuit filed in Cook County Circuit Court Wednesday.

Greenberg, along with an “excess number of patrons,” gathered in a waiting area before filing into the studio to be seated, the suit said. When the audience members were instructed to enter the studio and sit “where they wanted,” Greenberg claims she was pushed down stairs as the patrons “rushed the gate” while pushing and shoving one another.

The suit said Harpo management failed to properly control the crowd and was careless by allowing guests to seat themselves.

Crowd control lawsuit? That’s like someone suing Dave because someone who knew Dave pushed them while rushing to meet Dave.

Of course, if Dave was a business, Dave could get sued.

But if Dave was a business, getting pushed around would be the least of the public’s worries. The primary one would be the Dave Co Death Laser!

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She’s everywhere, Rachel Ray and it’s really annoying. The woman oscillates between attractive and plastic while her personality goes through manic food-related swings.

If one were to picture having sex with her, just hypothetically, we would imagine that when Rachel gets horny, she gets angry. Just more and more pissed until she pops in an orgasm of pleasure. Sadly, she’s probably bitten off the head of her mate in rage like some sort of Praying Mantis that runs on Dunkin Donuts coffee.

Page Six says that Rachel’s daytime talk show is in a bad way ratings wise. It’s fallen to a 2.0 Neilson rating, which is pretty dismal and the average Rachel Ray Show viewer is 55.

A rep for Ray pointed out that the average age for Oprah’s viewers is 54.6, and told P6, “Our show is renewed through 2010 - so canceling is not an option.”

Yet, the rumblings continue.

If Ray loses her show, that means we only have to walk around being annoyed by her television commercials, multiple cooking books that are given their own shelves in bookstores, the 30 Minute Meals show, Rachel Ray’s Tasty Travels, $40 A Day reruns, Food Network specials and her scary smile on the cover of her magazine; Rachel Ray Everyday.

Honestly, we think about God less than we think about Rachel Ray, because we see her watching us from everywhere.

She’s even on the Wheat Thins.

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A rumor has started on The View, which might be the first time The View was on this site and it wasn’t in “Brief Absurdity.” Barbra Walters announced that Sam Lutfi, Britney’s “manager” told her that Britney is seeking treatment.

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Absurd Thesis #102: There’s nothing a black woman soul singer can do that can’t be done just as well by a tiny, white, possibly homosexual boy on daytime television.

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