Steven Segal has revealed that he is taking offers for Under Siege 3, sixteen years after the original and at least 10 years since anyone cared. Maybe his band isn’t doing so well these days.

Luckily, MTV did a video interview with him, where the interviewer prompts: “In terms of story, you’ve done a ship, you’ve done a train-“

And Segal blows our minds with a Sarah Palin-style flurry of words that seemingly make no sense…

New bullshit for the start of the tabloid week:

According to our favorite classy rag, Star Magazine, Lauren Conrad of The Hills has been getting all weepy-eyed over the complete shambles that is her MTV sculpted life.

As the mag tells it:

Lauren recently broke down in tears at her Hollywood Hills home, wallowing in the misery that she feels her life has become.

“She’s an emotional train wreck,” a source close to LC tells Star. “She usually doesn’t lose it like that. But her life has spiraled out of control, and once she opened the floodgates, it was all over. She just crumpled, putting her head in her hands and sobbing.”

It seems she has a lot to cry about. She’s being slammed in reports for throwing a diva fit at a charity event, her clothing line has been dropped by Kitson, she’s feuding with her pals and her love life is practically nonexistent!

OMG! Lo snitched on LC! Does Gossip Girl now write for Star? What a biatch! Wait a second … Speidi is Gossip Girl!

Every once and awhile, everyone should check in on Steve-O because we’re not sure he exists if no one is watching. He’s one of those people like Tom Green (who incidentally was willed out of our astral plane by over-exposure) who is either doing something stupid and getting written about, or standing in front of the open fridge, trying to remember why the hell he opened it.

When we last left Steve-O, he was in a drugged-out YouTube video, pissed off his fiancée, got arrested for cocaine possession and was hospitalized for a rehab program.

We’re not quite sure what is happening to him now, but it sounds like he has been institutionalized based on a recent MySpace post…

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh…ok.

TMZ, those heartless bastards who have the budget to send interns out to dig through people’s trash (used tampon found outside celebrity home!), somehow got their hands on a Vern Troyer sex tape.

Yes. Mini-me.

Now, Troyer has shot back, filing a lawsuit claiming that the tape was stolen and TMZ “violated his privacy rights and infringed on his copyright and trademark by running portions of the tape.”

One of those “portions” is below the cut. It’s SFW in a certain sense, but might not be Safe For Life.

Look. We love Paper Moon like everyone else. But Tatum O’Neal is a drug addict.

She talks about it extensively in her autobiography “A Paper Life” and it’s depressing. Molestation from her father’s friend and possibly from her father because her dad was addicted to drugs and she got addicted to heroin.

Then the book died down and everyone went back to forgetting about the youngest person to ever win an Oscar and we were happy to occasionally think about her for five episodes of Dancing With The Stars.

So, forgive us for seeing a news headline about Tatum O’Neal getting arrested for buying crack in our old neighborhood and thinking that no one would care. Obviously, this is human interest. Especially since she claimed she was “researching a role” at the time, while this morning she said: “Just when I was about to change that and wreck my life, the cops came and saved me! I was saved by the bell, by the guys in the Seventh Precinct.”

She claims that she is still clean, and she would like to help the possibly-homeless man who was selling her drugs.

Yes, Tatum O’Neal is back on drugs, or at least put in an honest attempt to get back on drugs, possibly because her dog died recently. We shouldn’t have ignored that one. Our bad.

We just thought no one would care. It’s not like she’s gonna get any jail time…

S. Darko, or Samantha D. Whatever you want to call it, the Donnie Darko sequel that managed to nab original Darko cast member Daveigh Chase has added some new female blood to it’s bastardly existence.

Call us short if you want, but it’s our opinion that small creative indie properties shouldn’t be shucked away from their creator without said creator’s permission. But, that’s neither here nor there…

When we got the very sudden, wholly unexpected news that Mariah Carey had married Nick Cannon, a forgettable singer/rapper/star-of-Drumline that was 9 years her junior, we assumed that if the marriage was so sudden, Nick had conned his way to millions in almost-sure-to-be divorce money.

Thank Mariah’s Millions we were wrong.

According to Mariah, we must have been smoking something.