When we got the very sudden, wholly unexpected news that Mariah Carey had married Nick Cannon, a forgettable singer/rapper/star-of-Drumline that was 9 years her junior, we assumed that if the marriage was so sudden, Nick had conned his way to millions in almost-sure-to-be divorce money.

Thank Mariah’s Millions we were wrong.

According to Mariah, we must have been smoking something.

David Blane did it, just now.

Fresh from the AP wire:

David Blaine set a new world record Wednesday for breath-holding, 17 minutes and 4 seconds.
The feat was broadcast live during “The Oprah Winfrey Show” and the studio audience cheered as divers pulled the 35-year-old magician from a water-filled sphere.
Blaine looked relaxed afterward and said the record was “a lifelong dream.”
The previous record was 16 minutes and 32 seconds, set Feb. 10 by Switzerland’s Peter Colat, according to Guinness World Records.

The guy finally did it, even after he failed so horribly with that fish tank in the Lincoln Center Plaza. Maybe he’ll go back to actually doing magic now.

Or is that too much to hope for?

Oh, TMZ and your limitless budget that allows you to have people stationed at courthouses to intercept paperwork…bless your shamelessness.

“CSI’s” Gary Dourdan was busted in Palm Springs yesterday on suspicion of possessing heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drugs. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ the actor was asleep in his car at 5:21 AM when they approached the vehicle and made the bust.

We’re told Dourdan was taken to Palm Springs jail where he posted $5,000 and bailed out.

Heroin, Coke, X, and pills? Damn, Gary, where’s the party?

Hump day stories are always more like a sideshow than those of substance. It’s the dark period in the week when all the tabloids send their rags off to the printers, and unless Britney gets committed or something, Wednesday is always filled with the most absurd asides.

Like David Hasselhoff (henceforth “the Hoff” for ease of typing) and how he is dealing with being single:

“Last week, a group of three came into the bar, and they were laughing up a storm,” he says. They had just come from a taping of ‘America’s Got Talent,’ where Hasselhoff is a judge.

“The female of the group [a busty, cute brunette] was approached by the assistant of [The Hoff] after the taping, and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant’s phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with ‘them.’ Also listed was the name of the hotel [the London] where they were staying.”

The source provided cell-phone shots of both sides of the autographed picture as proof.

But did the lady call? Apparently not.

“She thought it was pathetic and funny,” laughs the snitch.

Pathetic!?! Woman, you were just on America’s Got Talent!

Someone give The Hoff a break, he’s done nothing but entertain you with several TV shows, German musical hits and drunken burger eating.

Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s fame-whore mother, Lindsay’s grandmother and Lindsay’s younger sister Ali all made the trip up to Harlem yesterday to “give back” for their reality television show that was almost pulled because Lindsay refused to be on it.

Dancing in Harlem is totally fine with us, and “giving back” even if it’s for horrible self-serving purposes is still much more than most people do, so outside of making fun of how transparent Dina’s fame-whoring is, there’s only one other thing we can say about these photos:
SAVE ALI LOHAN! That girl is 14 years old and already looks like she works as a part time stripper at night while chain-smoking and sunbathing without tanning lotion during the day.

And we don’t think we’re far off with that exaggerated summation of her daily activities.

When this show hits, we’re going to try and buck the Ali Lohan gossip push, but watch us crumble under juicy made-up stories about her losing her virginity at age 12.

It’s sad, but that’s what her mother has signed her up for.

IMG: SplashNews

Jackass star Steve-O is still receiving mental care, but the media isn’t going to let him up, because he’s an idiot and takes pictures of things you shouldn’t take picture of, like the above pictures from the National Enquirer.

The accompanying article suggest that he was going around the above party “hitting on random girls and asking to snort coke of their breasts.” Steve-o says this is a lie, as he was engaged at the time.

From his MySpace Blog, which he still has access to in the nut house:

The stories that are circulating right now about me being at some party hitting on random girls and asking to snort drugs from their breasts are not true at all. I will be the first to admit that I’ve snorted all kinds of drugs, in all sorts of situations, but I take offense to claims that I was running around hitting on random women at a time when I was under the impression that I was engaged to be married. I know many of you who are in receipt of this message from me work in the media, and I would greatly appreciate it if you would squash this dishonest journalism. These stories are so untrue, they place me at a party hitting on women when I was locked up in the looney bin. I’m a tough guy, with very thick skin, but that doesn’t mean I take kindly to being lied about, especially when it comes to behavior that took place after I asked someone to marry me and before I was informed, by the girl I asked to marry me, that she had completely changed her mind about getting married. Feel free to write whatever you want about me being rejected by my fiance, because that is true, but, please, don’t lie about me. I like to consider myself to be exciting
enough that dishonesty is not required to get a story out of me. Thanks, I love you all,
Steve-O

Steve-O has admitted he is bi-polar and is seeking help in his incarcerated state, so for that we want to applaud him.

However, just like we aren’t going to let Lohan off because she’s being good now, we can’t let Steve-O off completely. Yeah, he may not have been running around a party trying to cheat on his girlfriend, but he obviously was snorting coke off various women’s body parts.

So, explain to us why we should lay off.

This is part of a XXL interview with rapper, felon and possible dog-killer DMX. We swear we didn’t alter his answers in any way.

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

Tori Spelling sounds like she really wants to be on the new 90210. She seems to be forgetting that Daddy Spelling has passed on, and with him her ability to star in serious network television.

She gushed to People about possible ways she could be involved, and if you picture her smiling, twitching and with a little bit of lipstick on her teeth, the desperation of the quote comes through:

“My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I’m sure he will be beaming from above! And I’d love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud! I am a mom now, proud to say, but obviously too young to have a teenager, so maybe I could be one of the main character’s young stepmom. Playing the funny sex ed teacher at the high school would be funny, too, considering Donna Martin was America’s most infamous virgin.”

Has anyone else wondered what’s happening to Donna Martin? Because we certainly don’t care.

Wow, look at that, we almost made it ten posts without a celebrity naked and/or sex photo.

Guess the week is slowing down…

The folks who are leaking the old Playboy test shoot of current Hills star Audrina Patridge, have made good on their promise that there was more to the photoset than what we saw yesterday.

Once again, Tyler Durden and Splash have teamed up to flood the nets with the perky, 19-year-old breasts that must be the only saving grace of young Audrina.

We’ve seen clips of the show, she doesn’t have a real job and is totally less famous than the other two bitches.

Now, there’s hi-quality naked photos of her on the internet.

And I bet she thinks this is actually good for her.

Find out where the photos are after the jump, because it was meant to be porn, and we try to avoid putting straight up porn on the front page.

Vivica A Fox has just be rewearded her own VH1 competition reality series. We’ve seen singers compete on FOX, designers and chefs compete on Bravo, even stupid kids with crappy Yo Momma jokes compete on MTV for a brief period of time.

Who is going to compete now?

Celebrity stylists.

In what is sure to be a horrible show that will probably get mediocre ratings like the rest of VH1’s Celebreality, Vivica A Fox will host a show called Glam God with Vivica A. Fox, where aspiring stylists compete for prize money and their 15 seconds of fame.

And Fox has her name in the title, just in case everyone has started to forget about her.

Which is halfway true, since the last time we reported on her, she was giving blowjobs on cell phone videos.

Or, just for today, “pulling a blurry Lohan.”

More celebrity nudity!

Except, this time, you’re going to need to expand your definition of “celebrity” a little.

Seems, Lauren Conrad buddy and Hills supporting co-star Audrina Patridge did a spec spread for Playboy back when she was 19 and just out of high school. This was slightly before she was picked up as an MTV poster girl for being a stupid socialite.

Surprise! A few of the pictures ended up on the internet today, with the promise of more to come in the following days.

To find out where to see some barely legal, nipple-capped Hills pics, you’re going to have to “Read More…”

If you watch CSI: Sunglasses Guy, you know how absurd David Caruso is on the show. The funny thing seems to be that Caruso is even more of a dick in real life.

From Popbitch:

Just back from LA and was staying with a friend who’s in Jericho. One of the scriptwriters for the show used to work on CSI: Miami and apparently David Caruso r4eally is the arse he appears. A new director was setting up a shot and as he was laying out the scene suggested that Caruso should walk through a door, into a room and pick up a bottle of something and open it etc. The producers took the tyro to one side and pointed out that “David gets a bit lost in props”. Reasonably pointing out that it was quite a simple manoeuvre he was told that there was only a limited amount of time for the shoot and David didn’t have the time to work out the meaning of the props. Gradually the action was whittled down to him just walking through the door and giving his line. To this the young director is once again taken to one side and it is explained to him that “David isn’t very good with thresholds”. He also asks when, in the scene, there will be a close up of the sunglasses - in every scene.

From OnSetSnich via Defamer:

It’s taken me a bit of courage to actually fess up to what I’ve seen on the set of CSI:Miami, but I actually worked there for two years and saw first-hand almost 50 episodes being filmed. Caruso is without a doubt, the most tortured, saddest man-child/ actor I’ve ever seen in over 15 years of movie and tv-making. Everything you have heard is true, but worse.

He can’t walk and talk at the same time (you should see him on stairs), requires dozens of takes for simplest line-readings (which as we all know, he can only do one way), and can’t even put his CSI gloves on on-camera (always a time cut, just watch). He will cuss uncontrollably (often in front of a child actor) and blame everyone but himself for his inability to act. He used to hack up big loogies on the floor of the set, too, until a producer gently reminded him of sanitation and courtesy. Oh, and he re-writes every scene he is in, so he is totally to blame for the hackneyed one-liners. He will take anything the writers give him, and destroy it. And the sunglass bit is all his, a truly innovative contribution to his character. But as he said to us many times, “What should I do? I am a grown man with red hair.”

We used to call the diet coke his “acting juice.”

So there you have it. David Caruso: big, talentless idiot dick.

Wait, we should have both “big” and “dick” in the same insult. That just gets confusing, like we have a problem with big penises. Which we don’t. But we’re not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. Oh, this post-ending joke is backfiring….

We reported yesterday that Steve-O was in Cedars-Sinai after threatening to take his own life and putting cigarettes out on himself.

But, somehow, someone uploaded a new video to his YouTube page that shows him talking incoherently with white powder in one of his nostrils.

Never has juggling lemons been more disturbing, nor the idea that someone who has made all his money by being an idiot in front of a camera all his life finds his mid-day intoxication so entertaining.

We’re not sure what is going on, but we’re kind of frightened.

Avril Lavigne’s current tour is doing horribly. There have been rumors of under-paid dancers and horrible ticket sales.

Grrrl needs to make some quick bank. And she’s chosen something ridiculous.

The product at hand is a 92-page comic book based on her “international hit” “Girlfriend:”

The comic is called Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend: Sleight of Hand… and Heart and is described thusly on the official Avril merch site (we better clear our browser cache, lest we die of embarrassment):

The hand is quicker than the eye, but the heart…?

Every girl in school wants Dylan Ki. Cute, cool, and so sweet. Sweet enough to get the richest and hottest girl in school, Layla. But there area a lot of things about Layla that Dylan doesn’t know. Like how vicious she is to anyone who doesn’t laugh at her jokes, wear designer labels, or do whatever she says, for starters.

Anyone like Marta, who has the wrong clothes, the wrong friends, and comes from the wrong side of town.

Layla keeps a few other secrets from Dylan, too. And she’ll do just about anything to make sure they stay that way.

Can Marta make Dylan see the truth about his girlfriend? Does it really matter that much to Marta anyway? You bet.

Inspired by Avril Lavigne’s hit single, “Girlfriend,” from her smash album, The Best Damn Thing, this is a story of a girl who wants a boy who’s too good for the girlfriend he’s got.

Written by Gail Simone (Wonder Woman, Birds of Prey, The Simpsons) and illustrated by Nelson “Dedos” Garcia of cutting-edge design studio, Nomadic Alternatives, this is a story of a girl who must overcome her self-doubt as well as her glamorous arch-nemesis to gain her freedom and the heart of the boy she loves.

Why is today such a slow news day that we have stooped to picking out projects we hope no one options?