This Monday, we brought you the rumor that Tom Cruise was going to be offered Top Gun 2, where his aging Maverick would be teaching at Top Gun and come up against a tough/attractive/wild female recruit. The rumor didn’t come from anywhere credible, and when we read it, we knew the chances of it being true were slim to none.

Then, Tuesday came along and if websites had very little to write about, it would be Christian Bale’s strange assault drama and Tom Cruise in Top Gun 2.

But it’s time to shut down that party, according to Access Hollywood…

And now, your WTF rumor for the day, courtesy of The Sun:

A script outline [for Top Gun 2] has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.

An insider said: “The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.”

Is Tom Cruise’s career really bad enough to stoop to Top Gun 2? Or, alternatively, is Top Gun 2 ready to sink down to wack-job Cruise’s new PR level?

Only Xenu knows for sure.

The Tropic Thunder viral campaign seems to be kicking off in full swing, first with the site and trailer for fauxumentary Rain of Madness, and now with the introduction of Tugg Speedman’s website TuggSpeedman.com.

Ben Stiller plays action hero Tugg Speedman, who has a very similar website to one diminutive scientologist.

In the words of the Gossip Girl marketing department: “OMFG!’ a Tom Cruise website. An official one started at TomCruise.com

But, there is a notable feature missing…

Ha! We knew it!

When we mentioned that Tom Cruise had lunch with Sumner Redstone AND had met JJ Abrams on set, we called this bitch!

Tom Cruise is in the market to make Mission: Impossible 4, and will do so as soon as possible in hopes of overshadowing the hellish buzz around United Artists and Valkyrie.

A source says: “Tom will make M:I 4 once Paramount greenlights the script.”

Yeah, suddenly Viacom isn’t the huge media giant squandering your talent, right Tom?

Hey, remember this?

Well, he’s heading back to Oprah to destroy her couch this time! Damn that couch for getting away!

MSNBC Reports:

The actor hasn’t appeared on Winfrey’s daytime talk show since his June 23, 2005, appearance where in addition to promoting “War of the Worlds,” he very enthusiastically expressed his love for future wife Katie Holmes (we’re putting the whole couch incident in the past).
It’s not clear what the focus of this show will be, but it is well-timed to May sweeps, and a quick look at the calendar shows that this summer is the 25th anniversary of Cruise’s breakthrough role in “Risky Business.”

Maybe he’ll be like: “Hey, I know everyone says that my new movie is going to suck, my career is over, I’m batshit crazy and my production company is going to go bankrupt, but – By LRon! - who wants to see me strip down to my undies and dance!”

And there will be deafening silence.

After United Artists, run by Cruise and Paula Wagner was jettisoned from Paramount by Sumner Redstone for Cruise’s unacceptable behavior while promoting Mission: Impossible 3, there was a good chance that Cruise and Co could land on their feet and show everyone that they didn’t need Redstone or MGM (nyah nyah-nyah, nyah nyah…nayh).

UA came out of the gate with Lions For Lambs…which flopped.

Then, Crusie launched Valkyrie, a Nazi war movie and Germany wouldn’t let him film in their country because they viewed Scientology as a cult. That dispute was settled, but then some guys died in an on set accident. That was sad, but the film went on to get it’s release date pushed back to the brink of Oscar season when “film was damaged”, then – surprisingly – back from Oscar season to Feb 09. The beast of February, the dumping ground for little movies that might and bigger movies that won’t.

We, along with the rest of the internet, declared Valkyrie a wash and Tom Cruise’s career over.

Cruise even met with Sumner again, and Mary Parent was paid millions of dollars to go re-build MGM in UA’s absence.

Basically, Hollywood started nailing the coffin shut, and UA is trying to get out of the grave without being buried alive.

From the NYT:

In the interim Mr. Cruise, his partners at United Artists and the “Valkyrie” filmmakers are bracing for what will likely be a nine-month fight to prove their critics wrong. “We will not be daunted,” Paula Wagner, chief executive of United Artists, said last week.
During a 90-minute interview at the company’s headquarters in a Century City office tower, Ms. Wagner said she and her fellow executives were intent on overcoming negative reactions that she saw as rooted in ignorance of the process of building movie production companies.
“Anybody trying to dismiss us or write us off doesn’t understand the business,” Ms. Wagner said. She added: “Nothing is going to stop us. We are determined to make this work.”

Ok. We do know how this works, Ms. Wagner. But, let’s assume that UA is the underdog we should be rooting for. What would need to happen?

First, director Bryan Singer needs to finish Valkyrie. Several scenes still need to be shot, amazingly, though UA would have you believe these post-production pick-ups were always planned. Screen the film for someone friendly and connected so a few voices in online-world can say: “Hey, it ain’t bad.”

Second, Valkyrie needs to kick major ass in ’09. Like 300 sized ass. Lions left UA in the hole about $50 million, and Valkyrie probably costs about double that, so if you don’t make $15 million worldwide, you’re fucked. And don’t expect Europeans to flock to a Tom Cruise Nazi movie. You need to make a lot of that money at home.

Third: MORE MOVIES! Hey, why not release some small budget things that don’t have Tom Cruise in it? I’m sure Wagner and Cruise have enough A-class friends to pull some weight, maybe even go after a buzzed about script. Maybe a script written by one of the B&U contributors?

That’s three things that need to happen before we assume that UA will someday be able to stand on its own feet. Right now, telling us internet folk to just settle down and wait for them to puke up something good isn’t going to work.

Beware, United Artists!