In the words of the Gossip Girl marketing department: “OMFG!’ a Tom Cruise website. An official one started at TomCruise.com

But, there is a notable feature missing…

Ha! We knew it!

When we mentioned that Tom Cruise had lunch with Sumner Redstone AND had met JJ Abrams on set, we called this bitch!

Tom Cruise is in the market to make Mission: Impossible 4, and will do so as soon as possible in hopes of overshadowing the hellish buzz around United Artists and Valkyrie.

A source says: “Tom will make M:I 4 once Paramount greenlights the script.”

Yeah, suddenly Viacom isn’t the huge media giant squandering your talent, right Tom?

Hey, remember this?

Well, he’s heading back to Oprah to destroy her couch this time! Damn that couch for getting away!

MSNBC Reports:

The actor hasn’t appeared on Winfrey’s daytime talk show since his June 23, 2005, appearance where in addition to promoting “War of the Worlds,” he very enthusiastically expressed his love for future wife Katie Holmes (we’re putting the whole couch incident in the past).
It’s not clear what the focus of this show will be, but it is well-timed to May sweeps, and a quick look at the calendar shows that this summer is the 25th anniversary of Cruise’s breakthrough role in “Risky Business.”

Maybe he’ll be like: “Hey, I know everyone says that my new movie is going to suck, my career is over, I’m batshit crazy and my production company is going to go bankrupt, but – By LRon! - who wants to see me strip down to my undies and dance!”

And there will be deafening silence.

After United Artists, run by Cruise and Paula Wagner was jettisoned from Paramount by Sumner Redstone for Cruise’s unacceptable behavior while promoting Mission: Impossible 3, there was a good chance that Cruise and Co could land on their feet and show everyone that they didn’t need Redstone or MGM (nyah nyah-nyah, nyah nyah…nayh).

UA came out of the gate with Lions For Lambs…which flopped.

Then, Crusie launched Valkyrie, a Nazi war movie and Germany wouldn’t let him film in their country because they viewed Scientology as a cult. That dispute was settled, but then some guys died in an on set accident. That was sad, but the film went on to get it’s release date pushed back to the brink of Oscar season when “film was damaged”, then – surprisingly – back from Oscar season to Feb 09. The beast of February, the dumping ground for little movies that might and bigger movies that won’t.

We, along with the rest of the internet, declared Valkyrie a wash and Tom Cruise’s career over.

Cruise even met with Sumner again, and Mary Parent was paid millions of dollars to go re-build MGM in UA’s absence.

Basically, Hollywood started nailing the coffin shut, and UA is trying to get out of the grave without being buried alive.

From the NYT:

In the interim Mr. Cruise, his partners at United Artists and the “Valkyrie” filmmakers are bracing for what will likely be a nine-month fight to prove their critics wrong. “We will not be daunted,” Paula Wagner, chief executive of United Artists, said last week.
During a 90-minute interview at the company’s headquarters in a Century City office tower, Ms. Wagner said she and her fellow executives were intent on overcoming negative reactions that she saw as rooted in ignorance of the process of building movie production companies.
“Anybody trying to dismiss us or write us off doesn’t understand the business,” Ms. Wagner said. She added: “Nothing is going to stop us. We are determined to make this work.”

Ok. We do know how this works, Ms. Wagner. But, let’s assume that UA is the underdog we should be rooting for. What would need to happen?

First, director Bryan Singer needs to finish Valkyrie. Several scenes still need to be shot, amazingly, though UA would have you believe these post-production pick-ups were always planned. Screen the film for someone friendly and connected so a few voices in online-world can say: “Hey, it ain’t bad.”

Second, Valkyrie needs to kick major ass in ’09. Like 300 sized ass. Lions left UA in the hole about $50 million, and Valkyrie probably costs about double that, so if you don’t make $15 million worldwide, you’re fucked. And don’t expect Europeans to flock to a Tom Cruise Nazi movie. You need to make a lot of that money at home.

Third: MORE MOVIES! Hey, why not release some small budget things that don’t have Tom Cruise in it? I’m sure Wagner and Cruise have enough A-class friends to pull some weight, maybe even go after a buzzed about script. Maybe a script written by one of the B&U contributors?

That’s three things that need to happen before we assume that UA will someday be able to stand on its own feet. Right now, telling us internet folk to just settle down and wait for them to puke up something good isn’t going to work.

Beware, United Artists!

We told you Tom Cruise’s newest film Valkyrie was bumped into the February 2009 no man’s land, effectively killing all buzz around the project.

We also mentioned earlier that something was up in Camp Cruise as Tommy Girl was seen meeting with Sumner Redstone, even after Redstone fired Cruise from Paramount after accusing him of costing Mission: Impossible 3 $150 million with his “erratic behavior.”

Today, Page Six joins us in our thought that something is rotten in the state of Cruise by suggesting the lunch with Redstone was a Mea Culpa:

TOM Cruise has good reason to mend fences with Sumner Redstone - his United Artists deal with MGM may be going south. Last year’s UA/Cruise movie “Lions for Lambs” was made for $35 million, but it grossed only $14.9 million. Now, another starring vehicle, “Valkyrie” - in which he plays a Nazi who tries to kill Hitler - has been pushed back for the third time, to February 2009. “Valkyrie” has not had good buzz and has already cost UA and MGM close to $90 million - and director Bryan Singer is still not finished shooting. Plus, execs are said to be perplexed about how to market the melodrama. In March, Cruise had lunch with his old Paramount foe Redstone - who fired him two years ago. Word is Cruise also took daughter Suri to a Paramount theme park, which is owned by Viacom, spurring rumors of a reconciliation and a possible move for Cruise back to Paramount. But a rep for UA would say only, “Sometimes a lunch is just a lunch.”

Man, Tom has tried to kill his career on Oprah’s couch, he set off an Anonymous Vs. Scientology War, His movies are tanking…

…is this the end of Tom Cruise?

There, we said it.