No, Hayden, no!!!!

Hayden Panettiere, so valuable to us at the B&U that we’ve declared on several occasions that we could die happy after meeting her, has come out in…gulp…support of Paris Hilton?

We hear the two have been “friends” for a bit, but we always thought that was the kind of friends people make in LA, like other blondes on the periphery of gossip society.

Contact Music has Hayden saying: “She’s a nice girl and a lot brighter than people give her credit (for) but no one sees her like that because she plays this character all the time. She’s actually a marketing genius.”

Genius?!?!

Ok, let’s settle down. If, by odd twist of fate, Paris is just playing a character, that means that she is the best person in the world at controlling her image. Even Stephen Colbert, who doesn’t ever crack under pressure, hasn’t kept up his character while having sex on various videos that make him look like an idiot.

Sadly, this just reflects poorly on Hayden.

Also, more bad news for those who like good Hilton news: Paris is getting yet another TV show. This time, she will be working for Britain’s Living TV and managing a beauty parlor for dogs on Bond Street.

The name of the show? “Paris’ Pooches”

This is a soft rumor, so let’s hope it’s bullshit. Otherwise, we can just call PETA and they will put a stop to this right-quick.

We can’t believe that Paris Hilton is what passes for a grown woman these days. Let alone an heiress and someone whose brother just plead no-contest to his underage DUI.

What is up with everyone picking up this story that Paris is “in love?” The woman probably loves lots of things: Benji Madden, that sound that scotch tap makes when you pull it out of the dispenser, promoting herself, her Sidekick – she loves them all equally.

Saying Paris Hilton “loves” something is news is like saying running stories every time she endorses something: “Paris declares love for vodka at Svedka event!”

The MySpace blog that is in question plugs like 4 different things, including Good Charlotte and her MTV show, yet everyone wants to talk like Paris is actually in love.

The offending text from the Hilton Myspace:

Hey everyone!
Just wanted to check in and say hi! I’ve been on tour with my boyfriend for almost a month now. We’ve been everywhere from South Africa to all around Europe. It’s been so much fun! I’ve never felt so happy and in love, he’s such an amazing guy and life has never been better! It’s so much fun going to their shows every night, I now know every song by heart. I love Good Charlotte, they rock!! All the guys in the band are so cool and sweet and it’s been such an amazing and memorable experience. In my free time, Ive been checking out all your casting videos on the casting site for my new MTV show, www.ParisBFF.com, there are A LOT of fabulous and interesting contenders. I cannot wait to start shooting this show!! It’s going to be a blast!! So if you haven’t logged in yet, go to the site and upload a video, I watch every single one. Also, I was in Montreal a couple days ago for my new shoe line launch, which was a huge success, the shoes are there top seller there. I want to thank you all for coming, it was great meeting you all. I love Canada!! Canadians are awesome, so genuine and real! Thank you for all your letters and kind words, they mean the world to me. Also I met the host of one of my fan sites www.ParisHiltonSite.net, he was so nice and sweet and has a really cool site, go check it out. Well, I gotta go, cause my boy is about to go on stage and I want to go out there and watch him. Also, later I will post some pictures I’ve taken throughout my travels this month, and I’ll be blogging more often to keep you guys posted on what I’m up to.
Love you all and thank you for all your love and support!
Love always, Paris xoxo”

Did you hear that? She’ll be blogging more often!

Time to cancel out MySpace and gouge out our eyes (just to be safe).

Paris Hilton fell over in Prague, where she and Benji Madden are currently on their Most Vapid Couple world tour.

Initial reports suggested that The Prague paparazzi caused the fall, and this video of the pre-and-post injury Hilton does make it look like a crazy chase.

But, these photos seem to tell a different story. A story of Hilton battling a single step down to the street, losing the battle, then face-planting.

We can’t wait until someone gets video of that part.

Is this really news? No, but if you search for it, you’ll quickly discover that the internet has dubbed this entertaining.

We’re inclined to agree with the democratic decision.

Just in case her recent trip to Africa and upcoming role in Repo: The Genetic Opera had you thinking that maybe Paris Hilton has realized that she’s a pointless figurehead of American sex-tape celebrity, we thought we’d give you this little excerpt from UK’s The Sun:

Paris was asked on Saturday what she thought of South Africa, as she arrived in Johannesburg on tour with her guitarist fella Benji Madden’s band Good Charlotte.

And she replied with this thoughtful little gem: “I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries.”

Dear Africa (South, West and other cardinal directions): Paris and Good Charlotte do not represent our country: they represent pre-pubescent girls that have all the power over marketing because of their liquid income. It’s stupid, but as soon as you get those water and AIDs issues figured out, we’d like to hear how you stay so grounded.

Perhaps our government has kept yours in check so you don’t compete for the underage girls market with what we assume are your dirt cheap labor policies.

We’ll just be over here in the corner, hogging all the pharmaceuticals we can afford but don’t need.

Props to Paris Hilton for actually going to Africa like she always said she would.

Back in the Paris 2.0 days, when she was fresh out of jail and trying to convince people that she was different and had learned her lesson, the heiress made plans to go to Rwanda to “help” with whatever problems that required the nuanced views of a Hilton.

That trip quickly dissolved, yet this morning, Paris was in Africa.

It only took her boyfriend to get her there.

US socialite Paris Hilton plays with school children from the Jakaranda Kinder Huis school in Pretoria, South Africa, 20 March 2008. Paris confirmed she was in the country with boyfriend Benji Madden as he and his band, Good Charlotte, are to perform at My Coke Fest over the Easter weekend.

Coca-Cola, bringing both Good Charlotte and Paris Hilton to South Africa. What an evil corporation.

Lindsay Lohan wears sheer black leggings around like her legs are black. The only evidence we have that legions of post-production editors aren’t called in to color Lindsay’s legs for every film is the occasional day where she will don some shorts.

We post pictures of that.

Turns out Lindsay might not be a leggings-loving weirdo as much as she’s a savvy media manipulator, ‘cause the girl is gonna make her own damn leggings, says Life & Style.

She told the rag at a March 6th party on Manhattan (that we weren’t invited to…ahem, Life & Style!): “I’m doing my own leggings line! But it’s a secret. It will be a while before it comes out, but I’m going to do it. I love leggings. They’ll have designs. Some of them will have prints and some will have patterns.”

We have a suggestion for LiLo: don’t take suggestions from your stupid celebrity friends! ‘Lest we all end up buying stupid pairs of leopard denim bike shorts (yes, she’s wearing a t-shirt with her face on it again):

We know saying that so-and-so has been Punk’d is kind of over, but this time, seriously, we’ve been punk’d.

Turns out that Paris Hilton’s Shaman was always an actor and Paris new it. Turns out the story about Paris giving away a diamond necklace because of the Shaman, was actually planted by the Shaman’s people, because the Shaman’s people are Ashton Kutcher’s people and Ashton got us for his new reality TV series (not the one with Tyra?), where he plants stories in the gossip media.

Just imagine our surprise at this Huffington Post short end:

Paris Hilton had an improbable dinner date in L.A. Saturday: a gray-haired, orange-robed “shaman” who blessed her and urged her to give a diamond necklace to a total stranger. “He’s really changed my life,” Hilton told paparazzi from her car, adding she offered the necklace “because the greatest gift is to give.”

Turns out, as some outlets later discovered, the “mystic” was an actor named Maxie Santillan Jr., who has appeared on CSI and My Name Is Earl. And though some accused Hilton of getting Punk’d, the joke’s on them: The entire scene was staged for a new show from Punk’d producer Ashton Kutcher premiering Sunday on E! (10:30 ET/PT).

Pop Fiction, an eight-episode series, is a prank show targeting paparazzi and gullible media outlets. It’s made with the eager help of stars, who were the laughing stocks of Kutcher’s former MTV show. This time the shoe’s on the other foot, and the series has been kept so tightly under wraps that E!’s own website fell victim to the Hilton hoax and other planted stories that producers won’t yet divulge.

As painful as it is, we need to congratulate Ashton Kutcher for realizing how this whole gossip thing works and trying his hand at pranking the media and the gossip population instead of embarrassing celebrities.

Word on the street is that some other planted stories are already out there, so now we have to be vigilant, too? Man, this job get weird a lot.

Right now, we’re banking on that feeling we get when something is just so entertaining it couldn’t possibly be true. The Shaman being an actor was that level of entertaining, but we didn’t know we had Kutcher-fakes running around.

Between that and our damn assumption that Swayze was fine because the National Enquirer are a bunch of idiots, we aren’t doing the best job of sniffing out the truth this week.

But you can bet we’ll be tuning into Pop Fiction if it really does premiere this Sunday.

Maybe Paris Hilton’s Shaman really is giving her career advice.

This just in:

BURBANK March 4, 2008 Paris Hilton (”The Simple Life”) will guest-star as herself on NBC’s “My Name Is Earl” (Thursdays, 8-8:30 p.m. ET) in the one-hour episode marking the series’ original broadcast return scheduled for Thursday, April 3, 8-9:00 p.m. ET.
In the episode “I Won’t Die With A Little Help From My Friends,” Earl (Jason Lee) is unconscious and various things from real life are bleeding into his unconscious mind — which viewers will see. Paris Hilton is one of those things in Earl’s fevered mind.
Said Greg Garcia, the series’ creator and executive producer: “When we wrote the role of Paris Hilton in the script, we weren’t exactly sure who to go with for the role. But after an exhausting search we finally settled on a relatively unknown actress by the name of Paris Hilton. I can’t wait to see what she does with the role and I can’t wait for America to discover her.”

First of all, as a guy who has been in the position of having to criticize Paris Hilton while Paris Hilton’s PR staff is riding you (not here on the B&U, thank god!) props to Greg Garcia for the heavy sarcasm.

Second of all, Paris’ Shaman was in not one, but two episodes of My Name Is Earl in 2006-2007 as a character named Sparky.

This is either the second funniest coincidence of the day (the first being that we were making chicken butt jokes this morning before we found the Pete vid) or Actor/Shaman is slowly beginning to steer the Hilton career.

Not to mention that the press release we were e-mailed was issued from Burbank, a place the ShamMan is wholly not in support of.

Sometimes, this crap arranges itself in some ridiculous webs of coincidence and rumor.

B&U Reader Ben writes:

Hey… I think Maxie might be a combination actor/shaman. Not that this *isn’t* all one stupid big publicity stunt, but if you look at his IMDB page, he plays ‘himself’ in The History Channel’s series ‘The Universe’, and the credit lists him as a shaman in the episode ‘Beyond the Big Bang’.

At first we thought that this sort of killed the whole idiocy of the thing, but under closer inspection, we think that an actual Shaman/Actor deciding that those careers weren’t mutually exclusive is entertaining.

It’s even more entertaining to think that there is a shaman for hire that has a distaste for the city of Burbank. If you were to tell us that “Burbank can kiss my Ass” was an official statement from a painted shaman, that would have been enough.

Knowing that Paris Hilton saw that her shaman hated Burbank and still thought she could get away from this PR gaff is even more entertaining.

If you look hard enough, this thing is as full of absurd curiosities as my grandmothers old sex-toy drawer I was willed after her passing.

We haven’t touched this story yet because it seemed all colors of really stupid. It’s a publicity stunt, and when we sniff out publicity stunts, we try to stay away. We give out enough free tips of the hats and wags of the fingers around here.

But this publicity stunt just got Hollyweird.

This Saturday, Paris Hilton staged a photo op where this shaggy monk-looking guy blessed her and claimed to be teaching her our of a book called “The Way of the Painted Shaman.”

Hilton’s camp started circulating a made-up gossip item alleging that Paris gave away a diamond necklace to a stranger on the street while she was walking with the Shaman.

Well, the joke it on us, because we found the Shaman’s MySpace page:

Yeah, we agree, screw Burbank!

The guy’s name is Maxie Santillan and you might have seen him in Pirates of the Caribbean as one of the many dirty bearded guys:

He even has an IMDB profile. One of his upcoming films is titled Life Is Hot In Cracktown, which we can only hope is some sort of remake of New Jack City.

Paris has done this kind of crap before. Right when she got out of jail, she started carrying around the Bible, but never reading it and never speaking about it. It was the most obvious prop in the history of props, barring the 1930s classic cream pie.

This is one tiny step up from hiring someone who just got their certificate from the Universal Life Church to follow you around and make sure you don’t step in any gum while the media is watching.

We did our daily rag sweep; one activity that usually ends with us shaking our heads in mild disgust and voraciously searching for a film-related story to write about.

We found this on InTouch Weekly’s blog:

Paris Hilton will star in a new reality series for MTV in which a group of girls will share a house in LA and compete to become the heiress’ new best friend! “I’m really excited about this concept — I’m going to meet a lot of great girlfriends,” Paris, 27, tells In Touch exclusively. “I never got to go to college and this will be my chance to be in a sorority and have that experience.”

She’s going to have a reality TV series where she looks for a friend? It’s hard to believe that Viacom thinks there still some candy in this used piñata, but it looks like we only managed to make it 5 months without a Paris Hilton reality TV series in production (The Simple Life ended it’s 5th season in August).

There are some entertaining questions this series poses, such as:
What kind of person does MTV think should be Paris’ new best friend?

Will Paris make out with any of the girls, turning the show into a spiritual Rock of Love parody?

Is anyone going to be taking this seriously besides Paris?

Best case scenario, MTV realizes that people love to hate Paris and go the Letterman route. Unfortunately, we’re talking about the network that created The Hills here.

Gary Busey’s attempt to talk to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet at this weekend’s Academy ceremony ended up being one if, if not the most enjoyable moment of the Oscar broadcast.

Luckily, he was running around all night acting that crazy, and although he didn’t make another run at Jennifer Garner, he did insult Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton when interviewed by an 11-year-old girl for Stazrzlife.com.

First he insists he can’t understand the child, then he lets loose, calling Paris Hilton a liar (“Paris is a pathological liar in terms of what the heck she says on Larry King and what she doesn’t do when she says it. That’s a shameful thing.”) and refusing to do a website shoutout for Starzlife because those things “are stupid.”

Even if the man was on some sort of substance, he did provide the most pre and post-show entertainment to various news outlets, and it’s nice to start your day with some Busey.

Paris Hilton is dating the other Madden from Good Charlotte? Does that make her and Nicole Richie the Good Harlots?

Ha! Careful, jokes that corny are dangerous!

Benji and Paris are now an item, which makes us really excited for the next Good Charlotte show/Simple Life reunion. Towards the end of the reality programming, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were at each other’s throats, so I can’t imagine what holidays at the Madden/Richies are like.

Also, with the dirty Madden and Paris bumping the ugliest of uglies, we should be on a new STD watch. First they’re holding hands in a Splash image, next thing you know, we have a Sexually Transmitted Douche scare on Jared Leto levels.

The threat level has been raised to puce.

This weekend was Paris Hilton’s birthday bash in Las Vegas where the Sexually Transmitted Paris made another appearance “performing” with the Pussycat Dolls.

There isn’t any slut joke about Paris Hilton that hasn’t been made, so we’re going to retread old ground: She is such a slut!

The good news is that performing with the Pussycat Dolls is usually a sign that your career is on the decline (Electra, Anderson, that bug-eyed chick from Melrose Place), though we’re not sure exactly what her “career” is declining from.

Certainly not her slut career. He vagina is a black hole that is specially tuned to pull WENN camera lenses and phallus-shaped objects towards it, which is why you’ve never seen Paris Hilton attending a pole-vaulting or javelin event.