Now, eHarmony has basically labeled me undatable, because I’m in the 20% of the population that can’t have their personality rated and matched via whatever eHarmony’s system is. So, let’s not pretend that this post, though including eHarmony, is about eHarmony. Because until eHarmony stops blacklisting me, I have nothing good to say about eHarmony.

Nor do I usually have good things to say about Lindasy Lohan, who recently broke up with long term lex-partner Samantha Ronson. The Ronson family is rumored to be persuing a restraining order and the gossip circles of the net are cautiously waiting for Lindsay to break down…again…

…but while we wait, Funny Or Die comes through with it’s best type of humor video: one where a celberity realizes thier public persona and embraces it (remember the McLovin’ Fund?). Props to Lohan for getting her face out there. Now, if she’d get another job instead of another girlfriend, we can maybe talk comeback.

Maybe…

Hey, you remember the preview for Labor Pains? It’s a Lindsay Lohan movie where she’s, like, the worst secretary ever and instead of getting fired, she pretends to be pregnant to avoid the axe.

Yeah, there’s a pre-economic downturn story for ya. These days, not knowing how to manage your personal birth control still get you fired.

But, pretending that Lehman Brothers didn’t happen, the film was possibly going to be Lohan’s return to a film star, a reputation she destroyed by going on a high-speed, coke-fueled chase and getting arrested right before her latest movie was released. Also, that movie was I Know Who Killed Me, which did great…at the Razzies.

So what happened to Lindsay’s comeback…?

I stand by my previous statement that I think Joaquin Phoenix is pulling an Andy Kaufman on us and going intentionally over the crazy hill down to crazy valley. As the show continues, I can’t help but realize that we’ve been talking about this guy with clockwork regularity. It’s like as soon as we forget him, he dishes out another antic.

In October, he announced he was retiring from film to a bewildered reporter who got the first test-spurt of bearded-Joaquin’s “I-don’t-give-a-f*ck” attitude. For two months, we debated if he was serious or not until he popped up in a night club with Casey Affleck following him and videotaping his “career”. Almost exactly a month later, in January this year, we saw the man fall on stage and mumble something that might have been “rap.” And just in case the world-at-large didn’t realize this charade was going on, he gave his now infamous appearance on Letterman.

That was, interestingly, a little over a month ago, and now we have Phoenix getting into a fight with a fan while in a Miami nightclub?

Take it from someone who has seen celebrity meltdowns: this one can still go either way. The guy hasn’t done anything outside of the Andy Kaufman realm, pissing people off with just how much he refuses to give a shit. When Phoenix gets arrested or gets busted for drugs, I’m ready to talk about if this is a burnout for art’s sake or a real burnout.

Until then, though, Joaquin Phoenix is giving us his own brand of entertainment. When was the last time this much digital ink was spilt on the guy? When his brother died?

What? Too soon?

Video of the confrontation after the cut…

While the entire world finds the Chris Brown beating on Rihanna story inescapable, Nickelodeon seems to have just noticed that they still had him nominated for Kids Choice Awards. Oops.

Cue the inter-office memo:

Subject: KCA EMERGENCY!

All,
We have to remove Chris Brown from Voting, Nominees & any other content (Flipbooks, Video, UPick)
The plan is to remove CB from Fav Male Singer & Fav Song in Voting as well as Nominees.
[blank] is reformatting the Voting page now. [blank] is working on the Voting backend.
Here are the lists of tasks & responsibilities

Voting:
Reformat Voting by 2m
Voting edit by 3pm

Nominees:
3pm
4pm

Other content:
Video:
Flipbooks:
UPD:
All Site inits:
Message Boards:
SEO:

Producers: Please scan the site & call out any mention of Chris Brown anywhere.

Please report back with your progress.

Good luck, Viacom permalance web staffers! You only have an hour an a half to go!

Britney Spears is on tour again, which - rumor has it - is doing wonders for her family (she might get to, like, control her own life and shit!).

For those of you who expect that the singer is putting on shows full of lip-syncing, we present this video from a recent concert. Stick with it, at :31, Britney goes off stage for a costume change and - into a live mic- complains: “My pussy is hanging out.”

All class, Ms. Spears.

This month, Glamour Magazine features some female “icons” as recreated in photoshoots by current starlets of the day, and - boy - are some of these things damn weird.

For example, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart in a year where we will see not one but TWO Earharts on film, one being Amy Adams in Night At The Museum 2 and the other being an eyebrow-less Hilary Swank in the biopic Amelia.

It’s never too early to start making an icon out of Michelle Obama, who was doing great things in Chicago, I’m sure, but considering the celebrity enacting her is Alicia Keys it seems a little weird. Since, you know, I knew who Keys was long before I knew who the Obamas were.

Speaking of should-they or shouldn’t-they be included, who decided that Carrie Bradshaw was suddenly an icon, let alone a positive role model for women? Granted, i haven’t seen the complete Sex In The City, but every time I do get caught in an episode, one of the lead characters ends up complaining about something that seems far beyond trivial when I’m sitting on my futon eating ramen, ’cause that’s all I can afford. Not to mention that 20-year old Emma Stone will never have the Sarah Jessica Parker horse-face.

Also: Lindsay Lohan as Madonna? I know Hayden Panettiere isn’t out flying planes and Alicia Keys isn’t going to put a ring on a politician’s finger, but I thought everyone knew that Britney Spears is/was/will be the New Madonna for all time. Was she unavailable? Was Lohan just so hard up for work that they included her?

More starlets impersonating more icons HERE, including Odette Yustman, America Ferrera, Camilla Belle, Emma Roberts, Elisa Cuthbert and more.

Britney Spears kicked off her Circus tour last night, I was informed through her Twitter account. Subsequently, I nabbed some photos of the singer’s multiple costumes and setups.

Really, though, is the world ever going to be ready to pretend this woman didn’t have an extremely public breakdown and air all her shit on CNN? I’m not.

Though, to Britney’ credit, she has found herself a profession where she never has to wear pants while on an elevated platform in front of thousands of people. Which I guess is ballsy in an ironic, she-don’t-have-balls sort of way.