If you’ve read any of my posts thus far, you’ll be painfully aware of the fact that I am very much a Hollywood outsider. The industry, insofar as it can be called an industry rather than simply a loose agglomeration of assholes, makes as much sense to me as Memento after I slept through the first thirty minutes. As such, I’m never quite sure why certain people pop up on my screen time and again when they have, as far as I can see, no unique selling point or discernible talent.
In Who Are You and Why?, I’ll be dissecting various Hollywood characters from my own perspective of contented ignorance, and it is my hope that in doing so that I can make a case for or against their career in showbusiness as a justifiable means of employment. Up first is a figure whose pop-culture presence has confused and irritated me for some time.
Quick note about the rules: I’m not allowed to carry out even so much as a Google search on the “celebrity” in question prior to penning these pieces. Once I’ve thrown together a decent number of these quick shots I’ll index them as a Wikipediaesque catalogue of opinion and misinformation.
Lindsay Lohan
Where do I know her from?
Nowhere. That is to say that I have yet to see Lindsay Lohan play a part in any cinematic or televisual event I have watched either in whole or in part. I am, however, aware that she appeared in a Disney flick some time back, and subsequently showed up in a movie called Mean Girls, or something similar.
Why is she famous?
As far as I can tell, her rise to prominence almost exactly coincided with the appearance of a healthy pair of chesticles. At least, I can’t seem to remember a time she was mentioned by anyone I knew without the word “breasts” or some synonym appearing closely thereafter. That was evidently sufficient to turn her from “some chick” to a minor celebrity, and once the tabloid media adopted her as a figure of interest, her fame was a done deal. Even when she hit the celebrity wall and dropped forty-something pounds to become a ribcage in sunglasses, the paparazzi continued to pursue her boobless, assless ass relentlessly. As is so often the case, the pressure of upholding a lavish lifestyle with no career obligations became too much, and the clusterfuck that was her existence became a soap opera. With reports of her substance binges, unpaid prostitutory activity and casual lesbianism popping up on a daily basis, I still continue to wonder why the piss the media nominated this befreckled gingernut as the new person we’re supposed to give a shit about.
Why is she?
Read above. The tabloids, gossip rags and celebrity sites are obliged to find a way to fill the gaps between adverts, and more often than not they do so by jawing about men and women who are famous for being famous. It’s a shame they’ve forgotten about Lohan’s beginnings as the vehicle for a pair of breastesses, though, since the absence of such chestal endowments should mean the absence of public interest in her comings and goings. Furthermore, with so many actresses with considerably more mammarian real estate around, why are folks still fixated on these nonexistent assets? My advice to the media: Find new boobs and move on.
If anybody out there has any good idea why Lindsay Lohan or any of the individuals featured in Who are you and why? deserve to be famous, please let us know by dropping a comment below.
