If you’ve read any of my posts thus far, you’ll be painfully aware of the fact that I am very much a Hollywood outsider. The industry, insofar as it can be called an industry rather than simply a loose agglomeration of assholes, makes as much sense to me as Memento after I slept through the first thirty minutes. As such, I’m never quite sure why certain people pop up on my screen time and again when they have, as far as I can see, no unique selling point or discernible talent.

In Who Are You and Why?, I’ll be dissecting various Hollywood characters from my own perspective of contented ignorance, and it is my hope that in doing so that I can make a case for or against their career in showbusiness as a justifiable means of employment. Up first is a figure whose pop-culture presence has confused and irritated me for some time.

Quick note about the rules: I’m not allowed to carry out even so much as a Google search on the “celebrity” in question prior to penning these pieces. Once I’ve thrown together a decent number of these quick shots I’ll index them as a Wikipediaesque catalogue of opinion and misinformation.

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Here are the facts as revealed by Paramount Pictures and Sony Pictures Entertainment today:

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn will hit U.S. theatres in December 2011, about a month after it reaches the rest of the world.

It’ll also be released in 3-D where available.

Jamie Bell, Daniel Craig, Andy Serkis, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Gad Elmaleh, Toby Jones and Mackenzie Crook are all said to be involved.

Here’s why I’m not sold on the idea that Tintin is going to put up the numbers the studios are expecting: I don’t know anybody that claims any fondness for Tintin, either as a comic book or as a cartoon. Why, then, will people suddenly lose their shit with joy and rush to the theatres for the motion capture release? We’re told repeatedly that Tintin is a character beloved of children and adults anywhere, but the evidence simply doesn’t back that up.

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This is good news indeed. Any movie involving Simon Pegg and Nick Frost is guaranteed to be at least moderately entertaining, and with a premise as accommodating as this movie’s, it should be better still. For those not up to speed, messrs Pegg and Frost are set to shoot a movie simply called “Paul” which centres on a pair of road-tripping sci-fi fanatics who somehow stumble upon an alien who has escaped from Area 51. Today’s news confirms that the alien in question, Paul, will be voiced by Seth Rogen.

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I know, I know: This happened yesterday. Since I was suffering from what was apparently a more benign strain of pneumonic plague, however, I was unable to respond to the news with anything more than a premature death rattle and some mild foaming about the mouth. Incidentally, I discovered that the cure for pneumonic plague is Mexican food followed by a brief period of unconsciousness.

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Trailers from Guy Ritchie’s upcoming Sherlock Holmes film starring Robert Downey Jr., Jude Law and Rachel McAdams hit the internet recently and are sure to spark plenty of discussion.

As a big fan of the original stories, my initial response is that this will be a much more in-your-face version of the beloved character. Holmes is a competent boxer and is decent with a revolver in the older stories, but these facts are hardly celebrated. The movie looks like it will place action in the foreground, perhaps even over the mystery elements. It also appears that the Sherlock Holmes that is often “asexual” has been removed for one that is more of a player, although trailers can be deceiving in their effort to draw in larger audiences.

Click “Read more…” to see the new Sherlock Holmes trailer.

A brief and random handful of recently watched films, rated on a 0-4 star system.

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me ***
(1992/David Lynch/2nd Viewing)

It always makes me laugh when someone associated with a film like Wolverine or Star Trek talks about how important it is to make the movie right “for the fans”. Please. For better or worse, those films are calculated efforts to draw gigantic summer blockbuster numbers. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me was a challenging enough movie for me, and I’m a big fan of the show. I would assume this to be an absolute mindbender for the casual viewer. An effort “for the fans” if there ever was one.

Bad Day at Black Rock ***
(1955/John Sturges/1st Viewing)

Spencer Tracy plays a man visiting a southwestern U.S. village, where the townsfolk have a dark secret to hide. A short and fun action drama with an all-star cast.

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I may be alone in this, but I have to admit that I wasn’t even aware of the existence of airbenders, let alone that there was only one remaining. That being the case, however, someone saw fit to fund and film a movie on the matter. Naturally, M. Night Shyamalan was the man brought in to direct, although the word is that he’ll be straying from his simple twist, ludicrous twist formula for this one.

Having carried out literally minutes of assiduous research (whatup, Wikipedia) into Airbender, I can tell you that it’s based on a Nickelodeon cartoon series whose protagonist is a young fellow named Aang who is somehow able to alter the weather using martial arts. If you’re as excited about the prospect of watching a kid making it drizzle with a roundhouse kick as I am, you’ll be glad to hear that this is expected to be the first part of an Airbender trilogy.

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