I was reminded by the recent 10 year anniversary of The Blair Witch Project about a story a friend of mine, named Timmy, once swore was true.

Timmy isn’t a liar, though sometimes his stories become a little fantastical, this one was still interesting. He was out in the woods, I think it was in Colorado, when he happened across a fire that had been made a few days before. Inspecting the fire, he realized that it was built to burn piles of papers and documents…

…and headshots.

He claims that the pile of partially burnt papers were headshots, resumes and personal documents of Heather Donahue, the lead woman in the Blair Witch Project. He said it was kind of creepy finding a featured character in the Blair Witch universe had actually stomped off into the forest to destroy her old, post-Blair With life. Timmy estimates that he found these documents (including journals) around 2002, which corresponds with Donahue’s disappearance from film and TV (assuming that she wasn’t filming Taken, which aired in 2002).

Now, this is the kind of person Timmy is: he feels bad when he starts leafing through the files, headshots and correspondence. He felt like he was being invasive, so rather than take all the documents he could and pour over them in his spare time, he collected everything and took it to the ranger’s office, dropping it off at the lost and found.

I was always kind of curious as to why Heather decided to so dramatically turn a page in her life, or - if it wasn’t her that had these documents - I was curious as to what kind of Blair Witch fan would collect all this stuff that appeared to be personal documents.

Probably the kind of fan that would want to see a 2.5 hour directors cut of the the film, which filmmakers Eduardo Sánchez and Daniel Myrick are interested in doing if Lionsgate lets them…

It doesn’t make the most sense, but this is totally what people care about over other, more important things that are happening this week. I mean, who wants to care about the economy or an impeached governor of Illinois when you can debate with your friends over the definition of celebrity “fat?”

I certainly don’t want to think about anything else.

Here’s the not-so-skinny: Jessica Simpson made a really bad decision to wear some high-waist pants and a tight top which shows that maybe she’s been in a romantic relationship with some meat and cheesecake. The woman isn’t obese, but compared to what we all came to expect from this ditzy blonde, body image-wise, it’s quite the change.

And, you know, no one wants to think about anything actually concerning, so I’m fine if my side conversations over the weekend involve speculating about Jessica Simpson’s weight.

You know, I bet people who really liked Starship Troopers, or who managed to see it’s two sequels also really hate child abuse. Because nothing says: “Damn you, space bugs” like stopping some guy from beating his kid or neglecting it until it dies. I’m guessing even the semi-Nazi clad Neil Patrick Harris would gladly give up his precious Brain Bug if it meant ending child abuse.

I want to be clear: I am not pro child abuse. I can’t think of anyone that is pro child abuse. But that’s part of what makes this ad campaign so non-sensical. I’m SURE there are bigger celebrities than Casper Van Dien that want to stop children from being abused. If there aren’t any “bigger” stars, then I’m guessing there are probably stars who have different film material that would better synergize with child abuse.

Because all I can think of when I see these ads are third-rate CGI’d aliens smacking a red-headed toddler, and sadly, that image is really funny.

Under the cut, I have the press release for those of you that want to help, but can’t stomach my visions of alien-on-child abuse…

UPDATE: Fox Searchlight and Danny Boyle have been quick to combat the below referenced story with statements and press clippings of their own. Inside, both the original story and the updated material.

Eight year olds Rubina Ali and Azharuddin Ismail, the children of Slumdog Millionaire are still stuck in the slums, though technically they are part recipients of last Sunday’s SAG award for best cast. In one of those stories that you really hope isn’t true while you simultaneously suspect it is, the parents of the kids have started going to the press, bemoaning the current conditions of their little stars…

Between Coraline’s dark stop-motion in 3D and I’m Just Not That Into You, described - officially - like this:

The Baltimore-set movie of interconnecting story arcs deals with the challenges of reading or misreading human behavior. Jennifer Connelly plays a woman stuck in a tired marriage with Cooper’s character. Kevin Connolly, meanwhile, is a man pining after a woman, still not cast, who is having an affair with Cooper.

Goodwin is a young woman obsessed with Kevin Connolly’s character who tries to set up accidental meetings with him only to run across his friend, played by Long, who takes her on as a “My Fair Lady” experiment.

Barrymore plays a woman perpetually confused by dating, now more than ever in a culture that is more obsessed with technology than actual human contact.

…I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’m bringing by 3D glasses to the theater next weekend.

However, as part of the guy-centric promotion for He’s Just Not That Into You, the films male stars, Kevin Connolly, Bradley Cooper and Justin Long have made a small web video highlighting 10 Chick Flick Cliches that are not in He’s Just Not That Into You.

Personally, I’m still not that into Kevin Connolly (more on that HERE), but Justin Long and Bradley Cooper really do a good job of acting out their respective cliches.

Now if I just had the slightest faith that the movie would be any good, then I’d be in to seeing it. As it is, I’ll probably take a date, because I’d rather someone end the night thinking that some guy is possibly “into them” than worrying if I’m going to cut out her eyes and replace them with buttons.

Empire has four new toy images from the Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen robots. Two of them are the re-vamped Bumblebee, which is fine and - yes - slightly different, but the real interest is in the other two, namely the one above, which is our first look at Soundwave.

Now, I might be wrong here (Lord knows I’m frequently wrong with my opinionating), but isn’t that design both impractical and clunky? Are we going to see this guy turning around and using his tail…uh…thing to knock over buildings? The first thing I thought about when I saw this image was Leela’s line in Futurama: The Beast With 1000 Backs when she says: “At least I don’t need to trim my elbow talons.”

Soundwave needs to trim his elbow talons. And his butt talon.

Add in my general disappointment that Soundwave is not a boombox like he used to be, thereby avoiding a Micahel Bay “boombox update” that I’m sure I could have gotten plenty pissed about, and Soundwave’s plane and/or satilliete vehicle mode is equally as disappointing.

Hopefully this movie is as massive as we’re expecing come June 26th because the toy designs are making us forget that no matter how awkward these things look, it’s fun to watch them beat the living hell out of each other.

CLICK HERE to see the Empire exclusives.

The Arrested Development movie has gone through lots of ups and downs since Jeffery Tambor, the Bleuth patriarch first mentioned that it might happen. Since then, we’re heard similar news from Will Arnett, Jason Bateman and series-creator Mitch Hurwitz who dropped the bombshell that the only cast member resisting an AD movie was Michael Cera.

Cera himself said that there wasn’t even a script and he would at least have to see a script before signing on blindly, possibly because no one told him his Sundance movie, Paper Heart, was going to get lackluster reviews. Maybe because he’s unaware that his “golden boy from Juno” status is going to quickly fade.

Either way, Tambor has come back to the table to assure us that the AD movie is still going to happen…