Because the film industry is what the film industry does, and what the film industry does is turn out crap and sequels to crap more often than not, it’s no surprise that there are some CRAP-tacular stories this week.

Here’s our Top 5 real-news absurdities:

Absurdity 5:  New action figure the upcoming Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins horror-remake flick suggests that they have re-imagined the Wolfman to look like Han Solo turned-werewolf.

This is our first look at him? Marketing faux pas. [ShockTillYouDrop]

Absurdity 4:  The good news is that Brett Ratner hasn’t been attached at the director of the Conan re-make quite yet. The bad news is that it’s because he’s doing Beverly Hills Cop 4 first. [CS]

Absurdity 3: Todd Solondz, the director of Happiness, is gearing up his next flick, a dramatic comedy about family against the backdriop of a war. He’s cast Paul Reubens, Allison Janney, Charlotte Rampling…and Paris Hilton [Dlisted]

Absurdity 2:  Yes, there really is going to be a Monopoly movie directed by Ridley Scott. As far as we know, this is not a prank. [BWE]

Absurdity 1: Yes, America elected Barack Obama. Yes, Beyonce wants to be Wonder Woman, but why in all holy hell would you do a Karate Kid remake starring Will Smith’s son, Jaden Christopher Syre Smith?!?!?! [IGN]