Apparently, there is high demand for not only another Conan the Barbarian film, but of an entire reimaging of the concept. Completely retooled and using none of the characters found in the original series, someone–God only knows who–thought this would be the perfect project.  Perhaps not being aware of the poof-and-you-missed it Outlander, which involved vikings and such, there doesn’t seem to be much outcry for a brand spanking-new Conan reboot.

That said, the last person I’d ever imagine doing said film would be Brett Ratner.

But that’s the word from Drew “Moriarty” McWeeny at Ain’t It Cool:

And let’s be clear… stop calling this a remake. They’re not doing the Milius film. They’re starting over from the original stories. So it’s relly wrong to call this thing a remake at all. You won’t be seeing the same story or even the same supporting characters. This is ground zero.

…

Oh, Brett… why do you want to hurt me? Why do you want to make this movie? Please, please, please tell me it’s because you have a genuine passion for the material and not just because it’s a start date and a financing package that’s ready to go. Please tell me that you really care about the character and its history, and not that it’s just “Hey, I recognize that name.”

We’re not sure how Drew knows this, nor is there any confirmation avaliable. But just think about a Ratner-helmed Conan. He’s perfectly capable of shooting a film. But think about it: soaring, insturmental score over a barren winter landscape. Camera pans across the frozen tundra until we come across–JACKIE CHAN AS A SHERPA. Behind him, CHRIS TUCKER AS AN AFRICAN WARRIOR LOST IN THE COLD!

Together they team with Conan for one wild, wacky adventure! Ha ha ha ha!

No really, let’s be thankful no one has yet to confirm this. As Drew himself writes: “So it’s relly wrong to call this thing a remake at all.”

Yeah, “abomination and franchise rape” sounds more fitting.