Ok guys, let us break it down for you: you are not going to be able to escape Twilight, the upcoming teen-Vampire romance film that is going to kick off franchise for Maverick Films. It’s based on a book of the same name by young adult author Stephanie Meyer, a 34-year-old Mormon who somehow struck pay dirt with what is essentially a drawn-out romance novel.

Twilight came out of nowhere for the B&U staffers, who usually are finding out who is getting shat on at NBC Uni rather than paying attention to what all the kids are reading these days. Which is really a departure from the expected, since one of Dave’s proudest moments was talking to a Hagrid actor at the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Both movie studios and publishing houses are scouring the annals of young-adult fiction for the next Harry Potter, and Twilight has been anointed the heir to the throne. The books sell well with three already being released and the series-closer due this August (there is also a fifth book in the works that is told from the Vampire’s perspective – oooh). As soon as book sales spiked, film started rolling and fans started reacting like this:

So, Dave read it, just to make sure he was on top of what is either going to be the next teenage super-wave or the tween equivalent of Snakes On A Plane (lots of hype, no follow-through). Let’s let him take it to you in the first person…

[Hello, future you. Remember to post this sooner or later, lest people think that you read Twilight because of your love of vampire romance fiction.]

Just finished reading Twilight, the first book in the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. I don’t think that the publishers of the novel are aware of how distinctive the cover of this book is, but you can pick it out of a crowd as someone did while I was reading the third act before the screen of Hellboy I attended.

Nameless fan-girl asked me how I liked it, and I had one of those epiphany moments where I was able to express my opinion as I was forming it, an opinion that was forming as I was saying it (and I will butcher it while paraphrasing):

“It’s fun, but it’s written for young women and suffers because of it. It’s written like R.L. Stine (Fear Street RL Stine, not Goosebumps RL Stine) but the main character is ALWAYS thinking about the vampire she’s in love with no mater what she’s doing. That and the author messes with Vampire mythology in a glittery way. That and it shies away from everything cool.”

Everything harsh I had to say about the book came out, yet I didn’t describe the plot, name the characters or even hint that any character had anything going on besides the lead (Isabella). Maybe this is constricted by the first-person style of the book, or maybe it was limited because I’ve never been a teenage girl in love, but it was limited one way or another.

If you want plot, I can safely say that Wikipedia sums it up pretty nicely. But, here’s the nitty-gritty: Isabella “Bella” Swan moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad because her mom decides to chase a minor league baseball player. Bella falls for a weird guy at school who is god-like in appearance, though just a teenager (Edward). Bella falls for him, he’s a vampire. He falls in love with her, learns how to control his bloodlust (through several lengthy descriptions of Edward running his nose along Bella’s face). He says he’s dangerous. She says she doesn’t care. Pack of roving vampires show up, Bella flees to Arizona where roving leader vampire-tracker tortures her a little before Edward and his vampire family kill the guy.

That ending part sounds cool, doesn’t it? Well, it isn’t. In the book, Bella sees ZERO vampire fighting, though much is made of their psychic powers, strength and ability to run really fast.

Let me sum up the entire book for you:

I leaned in at touched Edward’s face as he smiled that enigmatic smile, whispering that I loved him.
“I know,” he said, “but you should fear me because I am a vampire and I am supposed to hunt you.” I smelled his deliciously fragrant breath as he spoke. He was all I thought about. All the time. Everywhere. Always
“I’m like Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire, but with sadder eyes and less audible whining,” he continued.

Literally, it’s that for a good 2/3rds of the book. Then, there is a big lead up to what you think is going to be some vampire fighting, but Bella, our narrator, passes out and misses it all.

Skip the book. I’m going to go buy Long Halloween tomorrow, at least I know that’s good enough to purchase.

From Dave’s description, we discovered something odd. A scene from Twilight was previewed before the MTV Movie Awards earlier this year. You might remember it’s Buffy The Vampire Slayer-like effects.

Seems like that is the climax of the movie. Which makes us wonder if we’re going to see Vampire fighting (our money is on yes), but also seems like a weird PR move to blow your wad like that.

Anyway, Twilight is inescapable, so we thought we’d let you know that we are ready to distill the Twilight coverage in the upcoming months.

If you agree/disagree or want to hold the throttle on the Vampire Romance coverage, comment or click the “Send Tips” button to shoot Dave an e-mail.