Oh the internet is a beautiful thing, friends. An endless well of knowledge at your fingertips. A well with sweet knowledge water of Wiki’s online journals, news aggregation…
..and celebrity blogs.
Allow us to pause for a moment and point you towards 5 celebrity blogs that are totally stupid and really shouldn’t exist. This isn’t some sort of Top 5 list we compiled. We read a lot of celebrity blogs, these are just the ones that get our eyes rolling the most often.
Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy.
The Blog: Wentz keeps a “Journal” section of FallOutBoyRock.com, which is good in a sense that it separates it from the “news” section of the site, but also asinine, because it has no reason to exist.
Sample:
ladies and gents…
things to do this week:
1. pick up all three times hem pooped in the house
2. get the new cab record “whisper war”
3. smilewow, i got my list done all in one day
The Bad and Ugly: Look, Pete Wentz. Sometimes you do talk about things that matter in your “journal,” but in order to be consider on this list, you have to fit in the category of “completely unnecessary information.” You, like everyone who will appear below you need to grasp the concept that just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD. We hear FallOut Boy all the time, we see pictures of you and your pregnant wife all the time, you claim to hate the celebrity publicity machine, why blog?
John Mayer
The Blog: It’s an official one at JohnMayer.com and we actually read it regularly. It’s funny occasionally, but – seriously – the guy swings from tolerable star to biggest douche ever on a weekly basis. Unreleased songs? Ok. Random bichings? Not ok.
Sample:
This is about us all.
This is about a level of self consciousness so high in my generation, that it’s actually toxic.
This is about the girl in her bedroom who poses in front of the camera she’s awkwardly holding in her outstretched hand. She’ll take a hundred photos until coming up with one she’s happy with, which inevitably looks nothing like her, and after she’s done poring over images of herself, will post one on her myspace page and then write something like ” I don’t give a f*ck what you think about me. ”
This is about the person trying out for American Idol, who while going off about how confident they are that they were born ready to sing in front of the world, are trembling so badly they can hardly breathe.
This is about me, the guy who walks through a throng of photographers into a restaurant like he’s Paul Newman, but who leaves a “reject” pile of clothes in his closet so high that his cleaning lady can’t figure out how one man can step into so many pairs of pants in a week.
This is about a young guy who maintains a celebrity blog that subsists on tearing other people down but who has wrestled with a lifelong battle for acceptance as a gay man.
This is about us all. Every one of us. Who all seem to know deep down that it’s incredibly hard to be alive and interact with the world around us but will try and cover it up at any cost. For as badass and unaffected as we try to come off, we’re all just one sentence away from being brought to the edge of tears, if only it was worded right. And I don’t want to act immune to that anymore. I took the biggest detour from myself over the past year, since I decided that I wasn’t going to care about what people thought about me. I got to the point where I had so much padding on that, sure, I couldn’t feel the negativity, but that’s because I couldn’t feel much of anything. And I think I’m done with that.
The Bad and Ugly: Mayer’s mood swings. One week he writes: ” If my blog truly does have any cultural effect, then it should be used for more than just pictures of sneakers and funny youtube videos.” The next week, he posts pictures of “studio essentials” that include his hoodie sweatshirt, a hand-held Olympus voice-recorder and a Sony USB drive. Um, what cultural effect does that have?
Lily Allen
The Blog: It’s her MySpace blog and occasionally has stuff about her actually working, but Lily Allen’s work is secondary to Lily Allen’s gossip profile so – yes – she responds to Perez Hilton occasionally.
Sample:
She had allergies, she was sneezing a little and someone said, “Bless you”. She said she had read somewhere that “in America, we wash more than any of the other countries” she went on ” yep, we wash every day, but we have more water than in the other countries, so they don’t wash as much as we do”. And then the best bit ” too clean, that’s why we sneeze, because were used to it being so clean, when there’s a little dirt or dust we can’t take it” and interesting theory I thought, suffice to say the first thing I did when I arrived was have a shower.
It is 5 am, and I am jet lagged to fuck. We did go to my favourite sushi place last night ita-cho on Beverly. The miso eggplant (aubergine) is to die for, and the grilled peppers were pretty killer. “To die for, killer?” Oh my god, I think I am getting old and uncool, I just used naff adjectives to describe something I like. Like my mum saying groovy or yumsville, oh my god I’m going to be sick. I hope that was the jet lag talking.
The Bad and Ugly: The girl is dumb. What more can we say? Her music is fine, but letting her relate to the public on her own in ANY way is a really bad idea. Just search Lily Allen on Google News and look at all the shit she is getting into: what sort of publicist allows their client to MySpace away and get in pithy gossip fights with Perez? A publicist that will never get her music taken seriously, that’s who.
Rosanne Barr
The Blog: Rosanne has been into politics and Hilary Clinton recently, which is a great departure from her mental illness postings (talking about mental illness, not posting motivated by mental illness). We don’t have much against her blog at RosanneWorld.com except she’s self important.
Sample:
being a grandmother is awesome. we are the weavers of the world for sure dude! for kaballistic grandmothers everywhere: the proof is coming, and it is scientific this time…She (the great mother) has woven herself into the fabric of thought. she has removed patriarchy and seperatism. ALL WILL BOW TO THE WOMAN. she is a particle wave, that is a musical note, and she is self replicating.
The Bad and Ugly: Rosanne started threatening people who infringed on her “trademarked name” and “copyrighted material” last April, giving us all a “fair warning” that re-publishing anything she writes without her permission will result in a lawsuit. We’re not calling her a fraud, she has a right to her blog like everyone else. But the ability to do something does not mean you should, Rosanne Barr.
Kanye West
The Blog: Annoying. Covering hip-hop battles and recently moving into critiques of online critiques of his show, Kanye West’s blog, which once gave us cool things like a Wild Thing model, now just allows him to bitch about how we don’t get him, yet should respect him.
I am sick of negative people who just sit around trying 2 plot my downfall… Why???? I understand if people don’t like me because I like me or if people think tight clothes look gay or people say I run my mouth to much, But this Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I’ve ever had in my life. This is the most offended I’ve ever been… this is the maddest I ever will be. I’m typing so f*cking hard I might break my f*cking Mac book Air!!!!!!!! Call me any name you want…. arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, racist, metro, f*g whatever you can think of…. BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL! NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL!…I HAVE A F*CKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT’S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS! MY PEOPLE WORKED OUT A COMPROMISED STAGE PLOT AND A 3AM TIME SLOT AND I AGREED. FAST FOWARD TO THE DAY OF THE SHOW. MY PRODUCTION MANAGER TRIED TO LOAD IN FOR 24 HOURS BEFORE I WENT ON STAGE BUT THE FESTIVAL WOULDN’T ALLOW US TO DO ANYTHING UNTILL PEARL JAM LEFT THE STAGE. PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THAT POINT WE’RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Bad and Ugly: We don’t even need to stray from the sample to point out the motivation for wanting to ban Kanye from his own outlet. First, he uses it to pimp products (he almost broke that Mac Book Air, y’all!). Second, he apparently REALLY wants us to know he is YELLING at US!!!!!! And third, he’s blinded by himself – like Kanye always has been – and therefore can’t give good information. Bonaroo being the case in point. Yeah, you have a huge light show that takes forever to set up, but since people paid to see you instead of the light show, maybe you could have come out and done your set…WITHOUT IT!
We know, rappers just rapping. Shit be crazy when that goes down after you’ve sold a million albums. Forgive us for our ignorance, not that you’re reading us, Kanye.
