Strangely, no one laughs through this news report about a man who has sex with the umbrella hole in his lawn furniture every once in awhile.

Look, what happens between a man and his non-sentient property shouldn’t be anyone’s business. Though, I suppose he’s asking for it when he chooses to strip down and go crazy on his table between 10AM-12PM in full view of a school.

If he had stuck to the wee hours of the morning, when we like to copulate with furniture, he would have been fine.