We really, really really (really, really) dislike Spencer Pratt, the blonde bimbo from MTV’s The Hills. He has been trying to make himself a real celebrity for awhile now, but continues to fail miserably because…

…he has no real talent!

Take the new advice column he has been hired to write for Radar. The man doesn’t give good advice because no one should want to grow up to be Spencer Pratt.

Our evidence:

YO SPENCER! I just started dating this guy who I really like. The other night, we went out and got hammered. I ended up passing out in his bed. When I woke up, I discovered that I had wet the bed. I was so embarrassed that I left while he was still asleep. If I call him, do I have to apologize or can I pretend it never happened? Or do I have to wait for him to call me?

HE’S LISTENING
Wow! This is a situation you do not want to find yourself in. I personally would never want to be with a girl who gets so wasted that she’s pissing in bed. It’s time to sign up for AA, my dear, because drunks are not sexy. Regardless, if the guy’s really, really, really cool, he might understand. But I wouldn’t count on it. Best bet is to be honest and tell him that was the drunkest you’ve ever been and that it was a huge mistake and it’ll never happen again. And make sure you buy him new sheets.

Here is a story that Dave was told was 100% true that answers this question in a helpful, entertaining manner:

There was this guy, let’s call him Sammy. Sammy got really drunk and ended up going home with this girl he met at a bar. Sex was had, and the girl wasn’t too bad looking, so he spent the night.

Sammy awoke the next day to discover that he had shit the bed.

Sammy’s initial reaction was to book it and hope that sleeping beauty and him never met again. No one wants to wake up in a shit-bed after a one-night-stand, so Sammy ditched that idea for what might have been the only sliver of decency he had on him.

He was not decent enough to wake up the girl, apologize and clean the bed. That was the second thing he thought of.

What Sammy finally decided on doing was very gently, and very quietly, push the majority of the shit under the girl, wash himself and fall back asleep next to her.

They are still dating to this day, thanks to Sammy’s willingness to forgive a very unfortunate and embarrassing evening for a random drunk woman.

So, we’re not on The Hills. We have this advice thing down pat.