But don’t worry.

Reports are streaming in that Jessica has just been admitted to Ceders Sinai with a minor kidney infection.

She’s having some pissy troubles, like that isn’t the understatement of the day.

Jessica will be released in a few hours with a “no harm, no foul” call, but heaven forbid someone famous go to the hospital without everyone reporting on it.

Getting covered in green goo about the consistency of semen is a small price to pay to get those kids in the theaters to see Indiana Jones and Crystal Skull.

People try to plug their movies a million different ways, so when we got an e-mail about Zombie Strippers, we thought that it was some sort of leftover porn e-mail from our smuttier days.

But, then we saw the poster and read the synopsis:

Worldwide media sensation JENNA JAMESON and Nightmare on Elm Street’s ROBERT ENGLUND star in ZOMBIE STRIPPERS. When a secret government agency lets out a deadly chemo virus causing the reanimation of the dead, the first place to get hit is Rhino’s, a hot underground strip club. As one of the strippers gets the virus, she turns into a supernatural, flesh-eating zombie stripper, making her the hit of the club. Do the rest of the girls fight the temptation to be like the star stripper, even if there is no turning back? Also featuring ROXY SAINT (of the Goth band Roxy Saint and the Blackouts) and Ultimate Fighting Champion TITO ORTIZ, ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is a sexy, bloody, hilarious good time!

Why Tito Ortiz got his names in all caps, we’ll never know, but we will make you aware of this preview, once again bringing together the undead and strippers.

Nice.

Check it out on April 18th it it’s been awhile since you’ve caught any of Jenna Jamison’s flicks. You might even be able to bring your girlfriend to this one.

If you had a girlfriend.

This still turned up on the interwebs of Robin Williams filming an episode for Dick Wolf’s Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (the best of the L&Os by far).

We have no idea what’s going on, but we can’t wait to see what sort of rape/murder/child abuse has to do with emptying pillows on a Manhattan street.

From The NY Post:

Britney Spears is back in the studio working on another album - but if her conservator/dad, Jamie, has his way, she’ll stop the music and concentrate on her TV career. A Spears insider said, “Britney did a great job on ‘How I Met Your Mother.’ She got the show its highest ratings yet, but more importantly for Jamie, he wants his daughter at a normal 9-to-5 job to keep her working and out of trouble. A sitcom would do that. So he’s exploring several offers for Britney to have her own show.” Spears has also been offered a guest-starring stint on “30 Rock.”

Dear Tina Fey,

Your show is pretty damn good the way it is, it doesn’t need to get celebrity flavors of the month (year/decade) to prove that it belongs on TV. Ben Silverman already likes your show, only offer Britney a part if you have something new for her to do, NOT for the ratings.

However, if Britney plays herself and dates Tracey Morgan, we’ll totally take back everything we just said.

-The B&U-

Paris Hilton fell over in Prague, where she and Benji Madden are currently on their Most Vapid Couple world tour.

Initial reports suggested that The Prague paparazzi caused the fall, and this video of the pre-and-post injury Hilton does make it look like a crazy chase.

But, these photos seem to tell a different story. A story of Hilton battling a single step down to the street, losing the battle, then face-planting.

We can’t wait until someone gets video of that part.

Is this really news? No, but if you search for it, you’ll quickly discover that the internet has dubbed this entertaining.

We’re inclined to agree with the democratic decision.

Audrina Patridge has really made this transparent.

First, we got word that there were naked pictures of her online from an “old” pre The Hills photoshoot she did trying to get into Playboy. Then, more of those photos were released without so much as a word as to where they were coming from.

Did the old pictures stink of self-release? Not entirely, but that option was there, especially with their release corresponding with the premiere of the extended Hills season on MTV.

Now, with a new photoset emerging on TMZ, it’s pretty damn obvious that Audrina is posting naked pictures of herself to bolster buzz. Ditto for her lame attempt at Pop Fiction.

We’re a fan of hot younglings as much as the next group of dudes, but it’s pretty despicable to see someone do this just for publicity.

Check out the extensive photoset for free, here.

Here’s Madonna leaving the gym with her trainer yesterday.

Just thought you’d all like to see that she has man arms, because we can’t stop thinking about it.

And not in the way we can’t stop thinking about Hayden Panettiere, in the way we can’t stop thinking about the Table Rapist.

IMG: SplashNews

This directly from the Variety article that speculates about Ben Silverman’s first NBC schedule (Silverman, pictured above in his smaller exotic garden, took over the network in June), to be unveiled this Wednesday:

“People need to escape. Ben’s programming strategy is to find some shows where people can tune in and then mentally tune out. That’s his directive, and I think you’ll see that reflected in the programs.”

We wish we had taken that quote out of context, but here it is, it’s own paragraph that basically says: NBC has a stupid lineup for you this year.

The one thing we do know for sure:

Many of the series in contention for the Peacock lineup boast a fantasy or action element, including one show just added to NBC’s 2008-09 roster: “Knight Rider,” the Doug Liman-produced actioner whose two-hour backdoor pilot snagged solid ratings in February. Project has been given an episodic order and has been mentioned as a contender for a Friday night timeslot.

Us FNL fans will finally get word this Wednesday that our show has been abandoned by NBC, and a “Friday timeslot” for Knight Rider does not sound promising for The Lights.

Here are some other previews as to the hell NBC will be raining upon your televisions this Wednesday:

Anthology skein “Fear Itself” will air on Thursdays this summer, while “Robinson Crusoe” is described as an “adrenaline-charged” update of the classic tale.

Peacock also has a deal in place with a Canadian network for “The Listener,” which revolves around a telepathic paramedic.

Another project on NBC’s hot list is “Kings,” which just landed Ian McShane as its star. Casting, plus the fact that NBC has ordered backup scripts, makes the show a logical bet to end up on Silverman’s sked grids Wednesday.

Execs are also keen on “My Own Worst Enemy,” a drama whose stock at NBC soared with the casting of Christian Slater in the lead. It’s a sort of “Jekyll & Hyde” tale about a suburban man who leads a double life as a spy.

NBC has also shot pilots for a legal drama from director Barry Sonnenfeld and the Brett Ratner-helmed “Blue Blood.” Scripts on agency hot lists include two Dick Wolf projects and a Dario Scardapane hour about a sexy former FBI agent that’s being produced by Peter Berg and Sarah Aubrey.

On the comedy front, the Molly Shannon-Selma Blair half-hour “Kath & Kim” has already been ordered to series and seems a no-brainer for the net’s Thursday lineup.

Pilots shooting soon include the Conan O’Brien-produced “Man of Your Dreams” and the Steven Weber vehicle “Zip.”

Yes, some of these sound promising, but let me jump back to another quote about why all these shows are being picked up in bad faith:

“We’re selling advertisers platforms as opposed to specific shows,” said Silverman’s partner, NBC Entertainment co-chairman Marc Graboff. “Advertisers don’t care as much about a specific show as opposed to ‘Am I getting the kinds of eyeballs I paid for?’ “

This means that NBC will only replace failed shows with something “tonally similar” so advertisers don’t pull their cash.

This means lots of new programming, which is good on the surface, but it also means low allegiance to shows that are performing slightly above the “cancel line.”

If advertisers are linked to a tone and time slot, what’s to stop NBC from pulling Heroes and replacing it with Knight Rider?

That’s drastic, but it’s the subtext of the rumor.

It’s a scary way to program television.

We told you earlier about the Forgetting Sarah Marshall team getting the opportunity to write a new Muppet Movie they way they want.

It looks like Kermit, et al are going to return to their original tongue in cheek commentary we haven’t seen since The Great Muppet Caper.

Reports CHUD:

Apparently their Muppet film is going to be incredibly old fashioned, with the familiar Muppet characters putting on a show to save an old theater (the theater from The Muppet Show?). The danger? An evil character wants to tear the place down to get at the oil underneath. It’s sort of current!

Bonus points if they can get Daniel Day Lewis to drink their milkshake.

Some interesting tidbit news from The Hollywood Reporter, who claims that Mos Def has been cast as Chuck Berry in 1950s music biopic Cadillac, described thusly: the film 1950s Chicago and follows the turbulent but exciting lives of Leonard Chess, who founded Chess Records, and the label’s artists, including Waters, Little Walter and Howlin’ Wolf.

Others tagged on are Adrian Brody as lead Leonard, Jeffrey Wright as Muddy Waters and Beyonce Knowles as Etta James.

This project could be awesome with a superior soundtrack, or it could be too mainstream to be good. You know what we’re talking about, when you’re watching a biopic and in your mind you are thinking: “That’s not Ray Charles, that’s Jamie Foxx!”

Who loves Star Wars? Everyone.

If you don’t love Star Wars, we think you might want to leave. The original trilogy still stands sacrosanct ‘round these parts.

GameTrailers.com has just finished one of their exhaustive retrospectives, where they document the history of a franchise across multiple gaming platforms. This retrospective: Star Wars video games.

We thought we wouldn’t be interested, but we did spend a great majority of this Christmas-time season playing The LEGO Star Wars Saga on Wii.

So let us geek out a little.

Part one here, additional parts below the cut!

Strangely, no one laughs through this news report about a man who has sex with the umbrella hole in his lawn furniture every once in awhile.

Look, what happens between a man and his non-sentient property shouldn’t be anyone’s business. Though, I suppose he’s asking for it when he chooses to strip down and go crazy on his table between 10AM-12PM in full view of a school.

If he had stuck to the wee hours of the morning, when we like to copulate with furniture, he would have been fine.

If one were to believe the tabloids, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married by Star Magazine this weekend, and then promptly kicked to the curb of singledom by Us Weekly.

In all actuality, we don’t know where Brad and Angie are. Probably Texas.